Change is not evil or good, change is just life. The earth turns around again. The sun goes down and comes up again. Tomorrow is different than today, and today is different than yesterday. You are different, the world is different, than it was, even when you started reading this. You can not stop or prevent it. Things change.
A few weeks ago, the universe of my backyard changed forever.
Since our German Shephard puppy, Diesel, arrived about a year ago, my little terriers have been able to escape his puppy harassment by leaping up onto the four foot high retaining wall, and hiding out, on the slope above. I’m not sure how, but Diesel recently realized, that he has gotten big and strong enough to leap up onto the slope himself. The little doggies knew very little peace in that first few weeks that their safe haven had been violated by this giant baby dog.
What has transpired though, has been mildly inspirational to me. Of course my worry was that the incessant barking of Diesel chasing the little dogs around on the slope, would be unending. Well, it is ongoing, and recurring, but there are those amazing moments when I catch all three of them sunning themselves on the patio in the afternoon sun. Amazingly cute, peaceful bliss, all laying together. What has transpired is a more tolerant, more congenial and closer relation between the three. They can’t get away from him, so they have all had to deal with each other. He even managed to squeeze into their bed with one of them this evening. They have to tolerate his harassment, but they all tire out together and have learned to get out of the way of his enormous feet when they are all chasing a cat together. Adaptation, occurring right before my eyes.
The funny thing about us as humans is with our ability to choose, we can create our own adaptations.
We can choose change. We can roll with change. We can resist change. We must cope with change, because, like it or not, it is coming, but our coping mechanism, which one we will utilize, is uniquely within our own power.
The sun will come up tomorrow. Slightly different than it did today, greeting a slightly different you than it did today. We can greet the changed day with recalcitrance and obstinance, resisting its difference than the days we already knew. We can greet it with acceptance, with gratitude, flow with the newness and ferret out even more newness, or stagnate and grieve the loss of that day that we already knew and understood.
It’s a fundamental philosophy of life, I know. I seem to find myself constantly struggling against those who hold fast to sameness, and view the embracing of constancy as a moral battle. So, I will choose. I will embrace the change and the newness, encourage newness when I see the opportunity, and accept those who cling to the past and the loss of sameness. If my little doggies can adapt and find bliss in a new world order, then certainly I can too.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Fallacy of Fault
I read a newspaper article recently about a group of investors who lost a great deal of money with a real estate investment firm. An investment firm, that by definition was managing and acquiring a variety of speculative real estate ventures. The firm is now in bankruptcy, with lawsuits pending in two counties, the ongoing obligations of taxes and maintenance of the properties, not to mention no further influx of investor cash. The news article alluded to some possible fault or mismanagement of the executive at the helm.
Really, people lost money in real estate in the past five years? You would have to live on Mars to not know and expect that turn of events.
As I recently sat through a morning calendar in an Orange County courtroom, I watched an attorney argue vigorously that a spouse who had been awarded the family home, had a duty to continue paying and pay off a second mortgage, on a house that had been short-sold or foreclosed upon, in order to protect the credit rating of his client, the spouse who was not awarded the house. Essentially, requesting spouse be an absolute guarantor to the other spouse. The judge cited, more than once, that the Judgment in that case was entered five years prior and that the house was gone. Each spouse got his/her bargained for exchange, along with whatever risk and benefits came with it, but now with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, someone has buyers remorse, as well as the energy and disposable funds to march in and complain about it.
Five years later?? If there was no order to refinance the debt into the sole name of the recipient spouse, the client who is out, and still on that outstanding second loan is most certainly on the hook still, as to the lender. The family law judgment does not have jurisdiction over creditors. First year divorce lawyer stuff. Civil Procedure? WHO does the court have jurisdiction over? First year law student stuff. Come on.
Periodically, on the court days that we call Mandatory Settlement Conferences, parties (not surprisingly), as they stare down the barrel at a trial date, become far more flexible in their positions and their overall willingness to compromise. What I have observed is that it is very easy to be courageous and bold in the safety of my office, on the phone or in an email, but once we are at court, with the prospect of that stranger in the black robe taking a few minutes to decide a litigants’ future, they become far more in tune to what result they can and can not live with, and cases settle.
However, that weary litigant, home after a long hard day of hammering this out in the courthouse cafeteria, then has to answer to a plethora of their cheerleaders, Mother, Father, sister, brother, significant other. All of whom have been this litigant’s emotional and sometimes financial support, crying shoulder, sympathetic ear, and confidante. This group, not in any way happy to hear of a settlement with that dirtbag of an Ex. Didn’t your lawyer fight for you? How could this happen? You were so mistreated during your marriage. This is not right. This is not fair. You need to change this. Back in the safety of life where the delusions and denial are all accepted part of the norm, weary litigant is wondering what happened and fully forgets the earlier pleas to his/her lawyer, “I juuuuust want this DONE.
It must be the lawyers fault. That lawyer didn’t do enough, didn’t care enough, didn’t know enough, was afraid, unprepared, liked the other side better than you.....the list is long.
When I was in middle school I had a typing teacher (It was in olden days when there were typewriters that didn’t even plug in) who saw it as his platform to teach life lessons. His theory and philosophy of that class was that everything, every single thing, event, incident, outcome, in your life is a result of your choice. With that, he gave us a contract and told us to pick our grade for his class. If we abided by the terms of the contract we would receive the grade we selected. That lecture stayed with me, I took it to heart and believed it. It was much like what my grandmother was trying to teach me everyday. Somehow I got it.
I have learned that a whole bunch of people wandering around in the world never got this lecture. Our collective ability to accept responsibility for our circumstances is abysmally low.
How about this one: It’s not my fault, I voted for that other guy.
In taking the temperature of our society, we can not escape the fact that we re-elected a leader, whose mantra has been, “it is the other guys fault”. Those who did not support this lemming like rush to the fiscal cliff, have now as their mantra, “I did not vote for THAT guy”. Really? Your one vote? You did NOT support this result, so you are off the hook? What effort did you put forth for YOUR guy?
The process worked. We all got the result from the last Presidential election that we deserved. The result that we collectively earned. Before you go raving off, just let that sink in for a moment.
A leader reflects some level of collective identity, and this one (Our current Commander in Chief), at his foundation, is that of non-responsibility. I can’t tell if the personna of the leader of the free world is the beginning or the end of this attitude, but you can not deny it certainly is the culmination, a social mirror of sorts, that we are all looking into. Denial permeates all of this behavior, ‘it is not my fault’ is the battle cry. With denial, usually comes delusion, and the ‘Kumbayah’, if we all hold hands and wear Birkenstocks and give out more free stuff we will all be as one, like the “Give the world a Coke” commercials from my childhood.
How pathetic. We are not The Great Generation. If they were here with us, and if those few who still are, were cognizant of these things, they would be ashamed of us. I know my Grandmothers would be. Nothing is easy. Nothing is free. I am in charge of myself. These were their attitudes, their battle cry.
My paternal grandmother told me of times when she was picking cotton, she took her four children with her to help, and the baby was swaddled to her chest while she worked and minded the children. She would be shocked and appalled to hear some of the stories I hear of young mothers who refuse to work because they have a baby. I wonder why these mothers have come to the place they believe it is okay to live with their parents, and not work while they collect a check from the father or the government. In no way does in occur to some of these girls that they are not meeting their moral obligations as a parent.
If my maternal grandmother were here, she certainly would have mastered that art of extreme couponing, because she was the Queen of the Blue Chip stamp. Well into my adult hood she would remind me of the critical things she purchased for my life with the strategizing of her blue chip stamps. She got my first high chair at the Blue Chip stamp store. She collected Christmas glasses from Arby’s, and went there often enough on the holidays to get me 12 of those glasses. (I use them proudly every Christmas) She reminded me daily that on the reservation where she grew up, her bathroom was outside the home as there was no running water and running water is something you should never take for granted. Everything had consequences, and no one had the right to complain about their circumstances, but everyone had the right to go out and do something about it.
Our societal ills are not going to be cured or even treated with the proliferation of platform, or policies, or any more dogma. We have to start looking at the problem as a personal one. As long as you are pointing a finger, you are the problem. We each have our own cross to bear, and they come in many shapes and sizes. Being American does not entitle you to anything except an opportunity to become something. Being an investor, like being a gambler, only entitles you to profit if your numbers come up right. Being a spouse does not entitle you to support for life, guarantee insulation from financial risk or emotional pain, you are entitled to share in the gains and the losses. Being a litigant entitles you to a trial, to a determination, from another human being in a black robe of whether you are wrong or right, and you might be found to be wrong. In which case, you have the right to bear the costs of being wrong, and paying for services that you contracted for. You have the right to parent a child, if you desire to and are able. You have an obligation to support that child.
What we control in our world is our response, to everything. The greatest thinkers on the planet have learned, experienced and taught this. Nelson Mandela, DeePak Chopra, Viktor Frankl, have all promoted or espoused some form of this. You can choose joy over misery. You can find peace and pleasure in the fact that the sun came up today, or you can choose aggravation over a flat tire, traffic jam or some other inconvenience. The seed of opportunity always exists, to choose a response that edifies you and multiplies positive energy in your surroundings, or you can kill it by fostering negativity and feeding an attitude of lack.
No rights are absolute. No privileges are limitless. No one owes you anything. We have become so enamored with our blessings and confused them with entitlements, we have forgotten about what we are obligated to. We should start applying the simple philosophy of Viktor Frankl to our lives, which is that the only thing you can control in the world is your response to your surroundings. Own your choices, think carefully about what our obligations are. To not make matters worse? To not bring harm or cause misery to others? To take care of ourselves? If we choose our responses carefully, then the outcome is no one’s “fault”, it just is.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Technology vs. Brenda McCune
The past few weeks have been an extraordinary cacophony of technical malfunctions in my environment. The heater at home, the cordless phones, then the phone line, home computer, office server, copier, cell phone issues, television ....the list is long and the incidents bizarre.
The battle rages on in the case of Technology vs. Brenda McCune. Lost my phone at court today. When I found it after about an hour of searching, I called my office, intent on rattling off a very ambitious list of “to-do’s” to my assistant, because my afternoon that had miraculously cleared up once my trial got continued. I called my office and discovered that the office phones are out again. The fax, email, internet, and calling out, all worked, all day, just fine. Calling IN to the office, though, not happening. I had been wondering why it seemed so quiet earlier when I was there.
Step 11...... “Praying only for God’s will and the power to carry it out”. If you do this daily, and I do, and you believe it, and I do, then what could you possibly have to be distressed about. It is all for the good and part of the plan. Really, God? The phones are out....again? Who am I to wonder why. Trial is not happening? Well alright, I learned a long time ago, we can only do so much to control the schedule of others. There is frequently one of the multiple players, two parties, two or more attorneys, one or more experts, one or more witnesses, any of whom can become unavailable and the whole hearing thing is derailed and re-set, continued or trailed. When you think about it, with all these individuals and their schedules it is a miracle we ever get hearing done. What we call a mishap, malfunction, accident, in any area of our life, is really just another thing. A moment in a day in a life, where God is in control. He’s got this. I can let it go.
I realized that in the one hour or so that I was, not in trial, but searching for my cell phone by wandering around the court house, I had an opportunity to do what I don’t do often enough. Chat with a favorite clerk and court reporter, catch up with one of my favorite lawyers in the hallway, meet and greet the Sheriffs at the front door security, (the guys who wand me many mornings, check out my shoes every day, we practically have an intimate relationship anyway, we should at least be on a first name basis) then chatted up some of the workers over at Bella’s Café.
None of this wasted time. Do I really need to spend another evening till 9pm in my office staring at a computer and shuffling papers around? I bet the world will not stop spinning on its axis if I don’t spend this evening in my office “fixing” things. Perhaps on this Thursday afternoon, the malfunctioning phones are telling me to take a breather. Maybe the most important thing that I have to do today is to visit a dear friend who just became a Grandmother. The pictures of a new grandbaby on Facebook can not compare to the way a new Grandma’s face lights up when she tells you about him. Maybe the most important thing I have to do this evening is to keep my dinner date with a girlfriend who I adore and respect, and laugh and commiserate and be validated by her. Maybe I just need to sit down and pet my dogs or chat with a nice stranger at the gas station.
What is the greatest commandment? To love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. If I love God I will listen to him and observe his lead, accept and trust the circumstances beyond my control. If I love my neighbor, I will take time to look at his face, know his name and stop long enough to hear.
Technology has not been at war with me this past month. Technology has been at war with me my whole life. As our multitasking, multi-platform, user friendly tools, increase and become even more user focused and demographically driven, the intrusion into real communication and the seduction to ever more doing, can eclipse real connection and exchange.
The world will not stop spinning on its axis, but sometimes, we as humans must.
The battle rages on in the case of Technology vs. Brenda McCune. Lost my phone at court today. When I found it after about an hour of searching, I called my office, intent on rattling off a very ambitious list of “to-do’s” to my assistant, because my afternoon that had miraculously cleared up once my trial got continued. I called my office and discovered that the office phones are out again. The fax, email, internet, and calling out, all worked, all day, just fine. Calling IN to the office, though, not happening. I had been wondering why it seemed so quiet earlier when I was there.
Step 11...... “Praying only for God’s will and the power to carry it out”. If you do this daily, and I do, and you believe it, and I do, then what could you possibly have to be distressed about. It is all for the good and part of the plan. Really, God? The phones are out....again? Who am I to wonder why. Trial is not happening? Well alright, I learned a long time ago, we can only do so much to control the schedule of others. There is frequently one of the multiple players, two parties, two or more attorneys, one or more experts, one or more witnesses, any of whom can become unavailable and the whole hearing thing is derailed and re-set, continued or trailed. When you think about it, with all these individuals and their schedules it is a miracle we ever get hearing done. What we call a mishap, malfunction, accident, in any area of our life, is really just another thing. A moment in a day in a life, where God is in control. He’s got this. I can let it go.
I realized that in the one hour or so that I was, not in trial, but searching for my cell phone by wandering around the court house, I had an opportunity to do what I don’t do often enough. Chat with a favorite clerk and court reporter, catch up with one of my favorite lawyers in the hallway, meet and greet the Sheriffs at the front door security, (the guys who wand me many mornings, check out my shoes every day, we practically have an intimate relationship anyway, we should at least be on a first name basis) then chatted up some of the workers over at Bella’s Café.
None of this wasted time. Do I really need to spend another evening till 9pm in my office staring at a computer and shuffling papers around? I bet the world will not stop spinning on its axis if I don’t spend this evening in my office “fixing” things. Perhaps on this Thursday afternoon, the malfunctioning phones are telling me to take a breather. Maybe the most important thing that I have to do today is to visit a dear friend who just became a Grandmother. The pictures of a new grandbaby on Facebook can not compare to the way a new Grandma’s face lights up when she tells you about him. Maybe the most important thing I have to do this evening is to keep my dinner date with a girlfriend who I adore and respect, and laugh and commiserate and be validated by her. Maybe I just need to sit down and pet my dogs or chat with a nice stranger at the gas station.
What is the greatest commandment? To love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. If I love God I will listen to him and observe his lead, accept and trust the circumstances beyond my control. If I love my neighbor, I will take time to look at his face, know his name and stop long enough to hear.
Technology has not been at war with me this past month. Technology has been at war with me my whole life. As our multitasking, multi-platform, user friendly tools, increase and become even more user focused and demographically driven, the intrusion into real communication and the seduction to ever more doing, can eclipse real connection and exchange.
The world will not stop spinning on its axis, but sometimes, we as humans must.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
My Two Cents at Christmas
Who would agree to have a trial set on the 20th of December? Well, that would be me. As luck would have it, opposing counsel has the flu. There was no biological warfare involved, as I understand it is the real flu. So my afternoon miraculously opened up. I figured that, as usual with this time of year, it was necessary to show some appreciation to my staff, and took them out for an early and long lunch. Then I figured, being close to the mall, what an opportune time to catch up on some last minute shopping.
As I was at the mall, I found a few things remarkable and worth noting. Suffice it to say, I truly believe that the mall, any mall in America, is the soft underbelly of our culture. If society is sick, the mall would be the place to put the thermometer. Here is what stood out to me today.
Sears is still open. After years ago, all the lamenting about how this American institution was breathing its last breath, the doors are still open and it is filled from wall to wall with merchandise. (So that’s one Christmas miracle)
As I walked through Sears, I looked intently for anything that resembled that commercial that is currently running on every channel, with the well dressed, attractive young woman, saying to some other frumpy less attractive and well dressed women, “I got it at Sears!”. I’m not at all sure where that chick got her clothes, but it was not at Sears. Not in my neighborhood anyway. I guarantee that in North Orange County, there is no chance of you encountering any young woman fashionably dressed, preaching the gospel of shopping at Sears. Not happening, not this Christmas.
I totally get the effort to pull of a bait and switch, but puhleeese, there must be something comparable to ‘switch’ the buyer to. It definitely ain’t happening here, and Sears would be well served to stop those misleading commercials immediately and send the cash they had budgeted for this advertising farse, to feeding starving children in third world countries. Cut your losses, Sears, abandon the sinking ship of this ad campaign, it is too far fetched and not gonna work.
Secondly, and truly the most disturbing part of my afternoon, is when did it become okay to dress your little girls up as whores? If you are trying to teach them that stripping is a viable profession and get them accustomed to most of their clientele who may look like Santa Claus, then, well played mom. However, to most regular folks, like hopefully, me, this is frightening and apalling.
This is one of those situations when I take out and dust off my idea of roving social workers. They could be like traffic cops. Capable of stopping, shaming and harassing otherwise law abiding citizens when they are outside the bounds of the law. Dressing little girls like whores definitely would be one of those citable events. Certainly if social services had a payments window to collect the fines, something like the court clerks office or the DMV, it could be a significant revenue enhancement. Improper and age inappropriate attire should be worth as much as a serious speeding ticket, say $200.00. If a social services cop was camped out near Santa today, they could generate some significant revenue. Definitely not worth the work of an investigation and home visit, but darnit, a fine may wake these idiot parents up.
Just some thoughts on trying to make the world a better place. It is Christmas after all, who doesn’t want to improve the world for next year.
As I was at the mall, I found a few things remarkable and worth noting. Suffice it to say, I truly believe that the mall, any mall in America, is the soft underbelly of our culture. If society is sick, the mall would be the place to put the thermometer. Here is what stood out to me today.
Sears is still open. After years ago, all the lamenting about how this American institution was breathing its last breath, the doors are still open and it is filled from wall to wall with merchandise. (So that’s one Christmas miracle)
As I walked through Sears, I looked intently for anything that resembled that commercial that is currently running on every channel, with the well dressed, attractive young woman, saying to some other frumpy less attractive and well dressed women, “I got it at Sears!”. I’m not at all sure where that chick got her clothes, but it was not at Sears. Not in my neighborhood anyway. I guarantee that in North Orange County, there is no chance of you encountering any young woman fashionably dressed, preaching the gospel of shopping at Sears. Not happening, not this Christmas.
I totally get the effort to pull of a bait and switch, but puhleeese, there must be something comparable to ‘switch’ the buyer to. It definitely ain’t happening here, and Sears would be well served to stop those misleading commercials immediately and send the cash they had budgeted for this advertising farse, to feeding starving children in third world countries. Cut your losses, Sears, abandon the sinking ship of this ad campaign, it is too far fetched and not gonna work.
Secondly, and truly the most disturbing part of my afternoon, is when did it become okay to dress your little girls up as whores? If you are trying to teach them that stripping is a viable profession and get them accustomed to most of their clientele who may look like Santa Claus, then, well played mom. However, to most regular folks, like hopefully, me, this is frightening and apalling.
This is one of those situations when I take out and dust off my idea of roving social workers. They could be like traffic cops. Capable of stopping, shaming and harassing otherwise law abiding citizens when they are outside the bounds of the law. Dressing little girls like whores definitely would be one of those citable events. Certainly if social services had a payments window to collect the fines, something like the court clerks office or the DMV, it could be a significant revenue enhancement. Improper and age inappropriate attire should be worth as much as a serious speeding ticket, say $200.00. If a social services cop was camped out near Santa today, they could generate some significant revenue. Definitely not worth the work of an investigation and home visit, but darnit, a fine may wake these idiot parents up.
Just some thoughts on trying to make the world a better place. It is Christmas after all, who doesn’t want to improve the world for next year.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
How to move a mountain, or change the world in three easy steps
“He has not given us the spirit of fear, (but of power and of love and of a sound mind)” If our maker did not give us this emotion/attitude of fear, then who or where did it come from? Is it a powerful force of evil outside of us, lurking around in the world, constantly attempting to overtake us? Or some evil of self awareness and self indulgence within us, the product of the fall of man? Maybe that thing that Freud called the ego?
Perhaps the greatest evil the world, and that every human faces is within each of us. It has been called the Self, the Ego, the Sin-nature. After the fall of man, sin or self awareness separated us from God. As an inborn element of every human being, it is however, imminently conquerable, and not an intractable monster. One soul at a time, but only with the work and consent of that one soul. Perhaps this is truly the mountain we struggle with removing. "Whoever will say to that mountain, be removed and cast into the sea, it shall be done." Matthew 21:21
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. World peace begins in your soul. In my soul. The great truth of Viktor Frankl, I only control my own reaction to the things around me. In that, I may be, and can be, the beginning of an avalanche of world peace. If moving a mountain starts with "faith as small as a mustard seed" Matthew 17:20, then certainly working on my own soul can have an impact.
"Judge not that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. Jesus gave us the keys to changing the world. Clean house. Your own house, not someone else’s.
I got up and checked the news this morning. There is no world peace, but God is still in charge, and my free will is in tact. I will begin again, and start with me. I definitely didn’t do my part yesterday, but I will try again today with three simple goals.
1) Trust God (Release fear,God's in charge.); 2) Clean House (The only person I can fix is me.); 3) Help others (Step outside myself, my needs and pity and fear and weakness, and approach God's world and his children with the love and respect that he would.)
Perhaps the greatest evil the world, and that every human faces is within each of us. It has been called the Self, the Ego, the Sin-nature. After the fall of man, sin or self awareness separated us from God. As an inborn element of every human being, it is however, imminently conquerable, and not an intractable monster. One soul at a time, but only with the work and consent of that one soul. Perhaps this is truly the mountain we struggle with removing. "Whoever will say to that mountain, be removed and cast into the sea, it shall be done." Matthew 21:21
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. World peace begins in your soul. In my soul. The great truth of Viktor Frankl, I only control my own reaction to the things around me. In that, I may be, and can be, the beginning of an avalanche of world peace. If moving a mountain starts with "faith as small as a mustard seed" Matthew 17:20, then certainly working on my own soul can have an impact.
"Judge not that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. Jesus gave us the keys to changing the world. Clean house. Your own house, not someone else’s.
I got up and checked the news this morning. There is no world peace, but God is still in charge, and my free will is in tact. I will begin again, and start with me. I definitely didn’t do my part yesterday, but I will try again today with three simple goals.
1) Trust God (Release fear,God's in charge.); 2) Clean House (The only person I can fix is me.); 3) Help others (Step outside myself, my needs and pity and fear and weakness, and approach God's world and his children with the love and respect that he would.)
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Brendaisms
There are certain universal truths in family law litigation. The excruciating emotional pain makes any litigant feel as though they are surely the only one to have experienced this unique trauma. Much like compound fractures in the Emergency Room, to the patient these are a life altering devastation. To the first responders, it is just another bloody day at work.
The complex nature of family law, and the strain and distraction that anesthetizes our clients, make for a difficult environment to communicate in. I have learned, the simpler the instructions and affirmations, the better. Client’s routinely forget, ignore, or dismiss my advice. My hope is that by making it simple, and consistent, that when it all goes wrong, at least I can remind them with and I-told-you-so kind of attitude, and hopefully we get on the learning curve. It usually goes something like, “So, remember how I told you _____, and you decided to _____? How’d that work out?”
In any event, a criminal attorney friend, paying homage to those of us who work this front line, made me think, perhaps these axiomatic Brenda-isms may assist someone who has relationship termination issues or other life changing moments occurring. I also totally get that $400 an hour is a lot of money, and since I don’t do miracles for that kinda money, the least I could do is wax clever and insightful, or moderately humorous, now and then. So, here ya go, my own top ten, maybe you will find them helpful or instructive.
#10 Always sit up straight in the courtroom.
#9 When you live by the sword, you die by the sword. (Referring to the battle of litigation, not advocating violence)
#8 Don’t bring your Mom to court. (Dad, brother, sister, new girlfriend, leave them all at home! It is time to put your big girl/boy pants on and a posse won’t help.)
#7 He/She was good enough for you one day, for at least 20 minutes or so.
(This usually gets a better response than “You’re the one who picked him/her!”)
#6 No one ever expected to be here.
#5 The “Fair” is in Pomona. (I did not make this one up, but I say it all the time)
#4 Peace is priceless. (In this process you will have the opportunity to purchase it and only you can determine the price)
#3 No is a complete sentence.
#2 Don’t talk to him/her. (Or similarly, He/She is not on our side.)
#1 He/She is not the boss of you. (A most helpful affirmation, especially in relationships where abuse and control have been issues.)
The complex nature of family law, and the strain and distraction that anesthetizes our clients, make for a difficult environment to communicate in. I have learned, the simpler the instructions and affirmations, the better. Client’s routinely forget, ignore, or dismiss my advice. My hope is that by making it simple, and consistent, that when it all goes wrong, at least I can remind them with and I-told-you-so kind of attitude, and hopefully we get on the learning curve. It usually goes something like, “So, remember how I told you _____, and you decided to _____? How’d that work out?”
In any event, a criminal attorney friend, paying homage to those of us who work this front line, made me think, perhaps these axiomatic Brenda-isms may assist someone who has relationship termination issues or other life changing moments occurring. I also totally get that $400 an hour is a lot of money, and since I don’t do miracles for that kinda money, the least I could do is wax clever and insightful, or moderately humorous, now and then. So, here ya go, my own top ten, maybe you will find them helpful or instructive.
#10 Always sit up straight in the courtroom.
#9 When you live by the sword, you die by the sword. (Referring to the battle of litigation, not advocating violence)
#8 Don’t bring your Mom to court. (Dad, brother, sister, new girlfriend, leave them all at home! It is time to put your big girl/boy pants on and a posse won’t help.)
#7 He/She was good enough for you one day, for at least 20 minutes or so.
(This usually gets a better response than “You’re the one who picked him/her!”)
#6 No one ever expected to be here.
#5 The “Fair” is in Pomona. (I did not make this one up, but I say it all the time)
#4 Peace is priceless. (In this process you will have the opportunity to purchase it and only you can determine the price)
#3 No is a complete sentence.
#2 Don’t talk to him/her. (Or similarly, He/She is not on our side.)
#1 He/She is not the boss of you. (A most helpful affirmation, especially in relationships where abuse and control have been issues.)
Friday, October 5, 2012
What is the shape of a Family?
What makes up a family? Is it one mom, one dad and two kids? Is it One mom and two kids? Is it two Dads and one kid? It is being defined and redefined every day. That is the one thing that is for certain. Is one shape superior to the others? Research and wisdom and data on the subject says no.
Our puritanical and religious roots tell us that one mom, one dad, and their biological offspring is the best form of a family. This is rooted in tradition, propaganda, social mores, and a concept most of society clings to that it is somehow the “best” situation for children, yet there is little to no research on child development to bear this out. The studies that argue that this traditional formatted family is “best” for children, omit the factors of the social, personal and religious pressures that in the past have been inflicted upon non-traditional and alternately structured families. The studies and research that argue a one mom, one dad and their biological offspring are the best structure for children also ignore the ramifications of dysfunction within this relationship to the children being raised in this structure.
Two low functioning parents, unhappy in their current relationship status, dissatisfied with their life, and disgruntled with their social obligations to remain in a non fulfilling spousal role, are not providing the best of anything for their biological children. Is there a reward, medal, a pay-off at the end of the day for “hanging in there”? The real consequence of staying in a unhappy marriage for years, for the “benefit” of the children is actually years of lost happiness, years of lost self-actualization, years of less effective parenting, years of checking out due to the overwhelming depression, and children who are worse off, possibly emotionally, physically and mentally neglected because of it. Children who have lost time with their mentally and emotionally unavailable parent, children whose development has been ignored and not supervised. Children who learn hopelessness, because they have been taught by example that there are no other options.
There is nothing magical about a man, a woman and their biological offspring. A parent, each parent, individually, must be a functional individual first, before he or she is an effective and successful parent. A parent who is abused and unhappy because he or she is committed to an ideal that is not congruent and fulfilling its original destiny and expectaion, is setting an example for a child that happiness is not a priority. Quite possibly and likely setting the example that emotional drudgery is the norm in adult life. Children are far more emotionally real and susceptible than adults are. We must protect and treasure that vulnerability and realize their pain and their empathy for our pain is so much more intense. When we teach them to ‘stuff’ their pain for some higher good, an alleged greater aspiration that has no pay-off, i.e. staying in an unsatisfying relationship just ‘for the kids’ or because it is the right thing to do, we damage them. We damage them when we damage ourselves.
A low functioning parent is a low functioning parent. Period.
That is not to say that there aren’t many, MANY, man and wife parenting teams that are doing an awesome job of raising well adjusted, healthy kids, but it is not automatically a winning combo. What then is the cost? The cost of adhering to this outdated and outmoded ideal of one size fits all? An ideal and aspiration that had some practical historical and religious roots, but has been shown on an individual basis and by research to not be a litmus test, or the be all end all, for how to raise a happy, successful, self actualized and well adjusted child.
What is the shape of a family then? Hopefully it is where a child has a parent or parents, whom love and support the child, because the parent feels loved and supported, and are able to exist in an environment where parents and children feel safe, emotionally, physically and mentally, in a way that they can all self-actualize in a way that is in the developmental best interests of all.
Our puritanical and religious roots tell us that one mom, one dad, and their biological offspring is the best form of a family. This is rooted in tradition, propaganda, social mores, and a concept most of society clings to that it is somehow the “best” situation for children, yet there is little to no research on child development to bear this out. The studies that argue that this traditional formatted family is “best” for children, omit the factors of the social, personal and religious pressures that in the past have been inflicted upon non-traditional and alternately structured families. The studies and research that argue a one mom, one dad and their biological offspring are the best structure for children also ignore the ramifications of dysfunction within this relationship to the children being raised in this structure.
Two low functioning parents, unhappy in their current relationship status, dissatisfied with their life, and disgruntled with their social obligations to remain in a non fulfilling spousal role, are not providing the best of anything for their biological children. Is there a reward, medal, a pay-off at the end of the day for “hanging in there”? The real consequence of staying in a unhappy marriage for years, for the “benefit” of the children is actually years of lost happiness, years of lost self-actualization, years of less effective parenting, years of checking out due to the overwhelming depression, and children who are worse off, possibly emotionally, physically and mentally neglected because of it. Children who have lost time with their mentally and emotionally unavailable parent, children whose development has been ignored and not supervised. Children who learn hopelessness, because they have been taught by example that there are no other options.
There is nothing magical about a man, a woman and their biological offspring. A parent, each parent, individually, must be a functional individual first, before he or she is an effective and successful parent. A parent who is abused and unhappy because he or she is committed to an ideal that is not congruent and fulfilling its original destiny and expectaion, is setting an example for a child that happiness is not a priority. Quite possibly and likely setting the example that emotional drudgery is the norm in adult life. Children are far more emotionally real and susceptible than adults are. We must protect and treasure that vulnerability and realize their pain and their empathy for our pain is so much more intense. When we teach them to ‘stuff’ their pain for some higher good, an alleged greater aspiration that has no pay-off, i.e. staying in an unsatisfying relationship just ‘for the kids’ or because it is the right thing to do, we damage them. We damage them when we damage ourselves.
A low functioning parent is a low functioning parent. Period.
That is not to say that there aren’t many, MANY, man and wife parenting teams that are doing an awesome job of raising well adjusted, healthy kids, but it is not automatically a winning combo. What then is the cost? The cost of adhering to this outdated and outmoded ideal of one size fits all? An ideal and aspiration that had some practical historical and religious roots, but has been shown on an individual basis and by research to not be a litmus test, or the be all end all, for how to raise a happy, successful, self actualized and well adjusted child.
What is the shape of a family then? Hopefully it is where a child has a parent or parents, whom love and support the child, because the parent feels loved and supported, and are able to exist in an environment where parents and children feel safe, emotionally, physically and mentally, in a way that they can all self-actualize in a way that is in the developmental best interests of all.
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