Brendaisms

There are certain universal truths in family law litigation. The excruciating emotional pain makes any litigant feel as though they are surely the only one to have experienced this unique trauma. Much like compound fractures in the Emergency Room, to the patient these are a life altering devastation. To the first responders, it is just another bloody day at work.

The complex nature of family law, and the strain and distraction that anesthetizes our clients, make for a difficult environment to communicate in. I have learned, the simpler the instructions and affirmations, the better. Client’s routinely forget, ignore, or dismiss my advice. My hope is that by making it simple, and consistent, that when it all goes wrong, at least I can remind them with and I-told-you-so kind of attitude, and hopefully we get on the learning curve. It usually goes something like, “So, remember how I told you _____, and you decided to _____? How’d that work out?”

In any event, a criminal attorney friend, paying homage to those of us who work this front line, made me think, perhaps these axiomatic Brenda-isms may assist someone who has relationship termination issues or other life changing moments occurring. I also totally get that $400 an hour is a lot of money, and since I don’t do miracles for that kinda money, the least I could do is wax clever and insightful, or moderately humorous, now and then. So, here ya go, my own top ten, maybe you will find them helpful or instructive.

#10 Always sit up straight in the courtroom.
#9 When you live by the sword, you die by the sword. (Referring to the battle of litigation, not advocating violence)
#8 Don’t bring your Mom to court. (Dad, brother, sister, new girlfriend, leave them all at home! It is time to put your big girl/boy pants on and a posse won’t help.)
#7 He/She was good enough for you one day, for at least 20 minutes or so.
(This usually gets a better response than “You’re the one who picked him/her!”)
#6 No one ever expected to be here.
#5 The “Fair” is in Pomona. (I did not make this one up, but I say it all the time)
#4 Peace is priceless. (In this process you will have the opportunity to purchase it and only you can determine the price)
#3 No is a complete sentence.
#2 Don’t talk to him/her. (Or similarly, He/She is not on our side.)
#1 He/She is not the boss of you. (A most helpful affirmation, especially in relationships where abuse and control have been issues.)

What is the shape of a Family?

What makes up a family? Is it one mom, one dad and two kids? Is it One mom and two kids? Is it two Dads and one kid? It is being defined and redefined every day. That is the one thing that is for certain. Is one shape superior to the others? Research and wisdom and data on the subject says no.

Our puritanical and religious roots tell us that one mom, one dad, and their biological offspring is the best form of a family. This is rooted in tradition, propaganda, social mores, and a concept most of society clings to that it is somehow the “best” situation for children, yet there is little to no research on child development to bear this out. The studies that argue that this traditional formatted family is “best” for children, omit the factors of the social, personal and religious pressures that in the past have been inflicted upon non-traditional and alternately structured families. The studies and research that argue a one mom, one dad and their biological offspring are the best structure for children also ignore the ramifications of dysfunction within this relationship to the children being raised in this structure.

Two low functioning parents, unhappy in their current relationship status, dissatisfied with their life, and disgruntled with their social obligations to remain in a non fulfilling spousal role, are not providing the best of anything for their biological children. Is there a reward, medal, a pay-off at the end of the day for “hanging in there”? The real consequence of staying in a unhappy marriage for years, for the “benefit” of the children is actually years of lost happiness, years of lost self-actualization, years of less effective parenting, years of checking out due to the overwhelming depression, and children who are worse off, possibly emotionally, physically and mentally neglected because of it. Children who have lost time with their mentally and emotionally unavailable parent, children whose development has been ignored and not supervised. Children who learn hopelessness, because they have been taught by example that there are no other options.

There is nothing magical about a man, a woman and their biological offspring. A parent, each parent, individually, must be a functional individual first, before he or she is an effective and successful parent. A parent who is abused and unhappy because he or she is committed to an ideal that is not congruent and fulfilling its original destiny and expectaion, is setting an example for a child that happiness is not a priority. Quite possibly and likely setting the example that emotional drudgery is the norm in adult life. Children are far more emotionally real and susceptible than adults are. We must protect and treasure that vulnerability and realize their pain and their empathy for our pain is so much more intense. When we teach them to ‘stuff’ their pain for some higher good, an alleged greater aspiration that has no pay-off, i.e. staying in an unsatisfying relationship just ‘for the kids’ or because it is the right thing to do, we damage them. We damage them when we damage ourselves.

A low functioning parent is a low functioning parent. Period.

That is not to say that there aren’t many, MANY, man and wife parenting teams that are doing an awesome job of raising well adjusted, healthy kids, but it is not automatically a winning combo. What then is the cost? The cost of adhering to this outdated and outmoded ideal of one size fits all? An ideal and aspiration that had some practical historical and religious roots, but has been shown on an individual basis and by research to not be a litmus test, or the be all end all, for how to raise a happy, successful, self actualized and well adjusted child.

What is the shape of a family then? Hopefully it is where a child has a parent or parents, whom love and support the child, because the parent feels loved and supported, and are able to exist in an environment where parents and children feel safe, emotionally, physically and mentally, in a way that they can all self-actualize in a way that is in the developmental best interests of all.

Politics and Blunt Force Trauma (Written February 2011)

In 2002 I was injured in a car accident and had what I latter learned can only be described as "closed head trauma". The accident, I could not really recall. Many things related to my life, like my phone number and the directions to my office from my home, I could not remember. Words escaped me, peoples names escaped me, and often I found my self en route somewhere, only to realize that I was unsure where I was going and why. The strange and unexpected lesson I learned is that there is a facet of emotional memory, emotional experience, that does not get erased, even with this loss of short term memory. Emotionally, you remember. The day after my accident, I woke up, in my own room, in my own bed, unsure of where I was, but I knew for sure, that I belonged there. The ‘feeling’, emotional experiences, were not forgotten, and not affected by my short term memory problems.



My recent submersion into politics was a little bit the same. I was a stranger in a strange land, but compelled to be there by a force that I still struggle to explain, and the emotion attached to it, is inescapable.



I have spent the past 15 years sharpening my skills as a litigator and navigating the treacherous waters of family law in Southern California Courts. For the 8 years prior to finishing Law School I sold cars, paid my own way and purchased a home. It is amusing to be characterized as someone with financial influence in local politics at this time, because I was not in any way a trust fund baby. My puzzled family marvelled at why I would work a decent paying full time job that was often seven days a week, and still pursue the law degree at all other times including evenings and weekends. My parents are the hardest working people I know. My mom didn’t finish high school and my dad drove trucks and wanted to own his own trucks more than anything. I think at some point they really thought I had lost my mind though. Encouragement for my far fetched plan was non-existant, and my committment to the plan, rarely gained me any reinforcement or approval. One of my bosses in the car business said to me one day, "If that law thing doesn’t work out, you will always have the car business." Thankfully the law-thing kinda worked out for me, but I’m always up for a new challenge, and politics has been calling me since I was a young Republican.



After my years in the car business and in the practice of family law, I have to admit, I was somewhat dismissive of the warnings of the hard knocks I would take in politics. In the car business in the 80's I was generally the only woman on the sales force, a very young one at that, and in law practice, I have devoted my career to family law litigation, divorces and trial work. I lived in the trenches of these tough careers, worked with rough aggressive car salesmen, and represented vindictive abrasive litigants and confronted antagonistic divorce lawyers. I truly did not think that politics could serve up any abuse, humiliation or adversity I hadn’t already endured in life. I was mistaken.



The ugliness in politics is merciless, it is arbitrary, objectifies and disregards the humanity of the participants. Unlike litigation, there is little if any, professional courtesy, and most frustrating is the utter lack of a right to confront and cross examine.



We sat through about 5 Candidate "Forums" in my recent City Council race. Not debates, but question and answer programs, sponsored by various organizations in the city. During at least the last two of these debates, both John Anderson and Tom Lindsey, unequivocally denied any involvement in the extensive negative campaign levied against incumbent Jan Horton.




No one asked further, and I did not get the opportunity to ask my cross exaiming questions of Mr. Lindsey and Mr. Anderson. If they had "nothing" to do with the negative campaign, (Anderson’s meticulously chosen words were "I did not write that piece.") then why did the negative mail pieces about Jan Horton each come on the very day, and with the same bulk mail permit, as the mail pieces on Anderson and Lindsey. They (Anderson/Lindsey) were endorsed by the YLRRR, the group that claimed responsibility for the mail pieces against Horton. Lindsey/Anderson were also endorsed by the CRA and the NOCCC. Both or either group was responsible (apparently, because no one has stepped up and claimed responsibility for it) the obnoxious robo-call, with the angry male voice targeting Jan Horton. I would have loved an opportunity to call as witnesses for purposes of cross-examination, Anderson, Lindsey, various founding members of the YLRRR and organizers of the NOCCC, on the veracity of their financial declarations, their denial of involvement in the hit pieces and who really was that angry male voice?




Even these many months after the campaign is over, I am contacted on a regular basis by citizens who own horses and are denied access to and use of our city facilities because they backed the wrong candidate, by property owners who are in fear that their open support of my campaign would have earned them the retribution of the current city council, by concerned citizens who clearly realize that by being "outside" of the small controlling political circle in our city, they will not in any way have the same voice or advantages as those on the "inside". Due process is not supposed to work this way. I continue to contend, there is now, and has not been any danger of "Bell in YL" the political climate in this city is more akin to historic Chicago, where the prevailing attitude was " If you are not one of us, you are not."




I will not again, belaver here, the points already exhausted during the course of the campaign about the substantive deficiencies with the policies and platforms of the current majority council. Suffice it to say, we the citizens, through apathy or misinformation, have allowed an administration that patronizes a minority of citizens and a special interest group, and who’s agenda and record of spending would embarrass many a democrat.



Jim Drummond, on the one occasion he ventured to speak to me, made it clear that he did not like that I had retained a political consultant, did not like my consultant personally, and suggested that I change courses. His continual favorable treatment to John Anderson and John Anderson’s friends make no secret of where Jim Drummond’s loyalties lie, but his veiled threat to me that I would not find favor with him if I was not alligned with his friends was something I found unusually offensive from someone who hides behind the veil of the press and feigned objectivity.



I have not reviewed the financial reports of any other candidates. I really don’t care to. I was assured at the outset of the campaign that I would spend more than the others, because I was a newcomer, because I refused to allign with any other candidate and because I intended to run a credible campaign. I do doubt the summary of Mr. Drummond that I outspent the others. I have serious doubts about the veracity of the reports of the YLRRR, Lindsey or Anderson, given the unprecedented battle they waged. However, that is the benefit of anonymity isn’t it. There is no membership roll of the YLRRR published anywhere, at any time. Still no one knows who really is a member of this organization. The organization that undoubtedly decided this election. The organization that is strangely outside the parameters of John Anderson’s carefully drafted "ethics" ordinance.



I am the only candidate who hired professionals to work on my campaign. I am the only candidate who is also a sole practice, lawyer, and single parent. I take seriously the legal requirements of set forth by the federal government, I did not have the time to learn these ropes, and no fully unemployed spouse to navigate them for me. I have a lot to lose potentially, and I intended to come through the campaign without inadvertently missing any legal requirements.


I would not have done anything differently. I would do the November 2010 campaign all over again. I will not do another one, but have no regrets about the recent past. I saw truth and common sense die a slow and painful death right before me, each and every time I confronted these candidates. Sound bytes and platitudes rule the day, and our city is worse off because of it. The damage resultant from complacency has not yet even begun to rear it’s ugly head. This, I can not face again.



So, yes, strangely and illogically, compelled to engage in this battle? I was. I may forget the veiled threats of Jim Drummond, and the furtive glances of Anderson and Lindsey as they denied the obvious, but the feeling, much like blunt force trauma, of standing up, at great personal expense to myself and my family, to do the right thing, and being accused of something else, well that is a ‘feeling’ that is not to be forgotten. It was important to do, and not likely I will stand before that train again.

Powerlessness

If you have ever heard the voice of God, once you acknowledge it, it is unmistakable. I am confident that I have missed it many times. I am confident that guardian angels have guided and protected me many times, times that I know of and acknowledge, and times that I have ignored out of fear of looking directly in the face of divine providence. On one occasion, I acknowledged the conscious contact with God, accepted that the profound voice was not one that came from me, and realized it was a message he had attempted to communicate to me many times. In the depths of pain and confusion, remorse and anger, baffled by grief and experiencing first hand the “wrestling” with God described in the garden of Gethsemane, in that moment, when I heard the voice of God speaking directly to me, everything changed.

I changed, the circumstances changed, my ability to receive grace and miracles, and responsibility for myself and only the things within my control, everything, changed. I have learned that our pain is a gift. That gratitude and acceptance are the greatest powers we posses, and that nothing, absolutely nothing, is within my control or direction. It that acknowledgment of my own powerlessness, I tapped into the peace and grace that had always been available yet overlooked in my life.

We each have our own journey.

My plan, my intended destiny, as well as any self righteous good wishes I may have for another, are irrelevant. God has a plan for each of us. We all have our own reckoning to do. At the end of our days on earth, we each stand alone. Accountable for our actions and reactions to the world we have experienced, with no advocate, no scapegoat, alone, accountable. I can not control or determine anyone else’s journey, make it easier from my point of view, no matter how altruistic, selfless or practical my intentions.

In the realization that pain is a gift, that mercy visits us in tragedy, that our human experience is limited by dimension, I learned my self righteous good intentions are not helpful. They are interference, intrusion and interruption in the journey of another, and that such efforts are not necessarily well spent. Because ultimately, I am powerless over others.

Such a simple concept. Taught and propounded by Viktor Frankl. I have loved the concept of: the only thing one can control is one’s response to his environment. A laudable concept, but as I have discovered, a difficult one to live.

There are different kinds of “knowing”. To know something intellectually, as in facts and figures, from books, history and math. To know, as in to meet someone, to be familiar, to understand, to feel and comprehend.

Now I know, more than intellectually. I am powerless over others, as well as much of what occurs in the world. As I let those things and my efforts to control, go, I tap into the power of the Universe through a gracious and loving God. Our ultimate power lies in our surrender.

He sent you a picture of WHAT?

I read an article yesterday about how the new technologies of communication are affecting sociological development and culture. Mores continue to develop as boundaries and propriety are blurred. As a grown up single girl who is in a profession in which I daily encounter TMI, I feel uniquely qualified to make this very important PSA to all men, everywhere: Women do not want to see IT.

I have had the unfortunate experience of having received such photos (Yes, photos is plural) via my cell phone. On at least one occasion, I specifically recall, making it imminently clear to the sender that I did not want to see IT, that I did not want a picture of IT, and explained that women are not visual like men in that way and I am certain that I am not the only girl who desires never to receive any image, form or likeness of IT. He sent it anyway. No, english was not his second language.

Men, trust me on this, if she says she does not want to see it, she does not want to see it. If you don’t ask her and send it anyway, she does not want to see it. Even if she likes you a lot, and has seen it in person, she still does not want to see a picture of it, and most definitely not in the middle of the day, as an MMS on her cell phone or an attachment in her email inbox. Don’t ask your guy friends for guidance on this one, they are all as misguided as you, whatever they say is just wrong.

Although you may love it and think it is very special, rest assured, it is not. Even if you are incredibly impressed with your sexual prowess, and want to document your high degree of motivation, I assure you she doesn’t want to see it. Once you photograph it for her, she is not gonna want to see you... at all. .....and yes, she will show all her friends and they will all laugh and critique. It won’t be pretty, they won't say kind things about you. They will all be similarly apalled.

If you are famous, marginally popular, or even well connected or related to someone famous, don’t do it. Definitely don’t do it. No one wants to see it, and once IT is out there, everyone will know that you are just a self absorbed creep. If you don’t believe me, I bet you can get Anthony Weiner or Bret Favre on the phone to explain it to you.

Good luck, and remember, a cell phone camera is not a toy. Snap responsibly.

Happy Valentines Day

On this day of love, not everyone has a "Valentine", and even if you do, you have to acknowledge that there are many "relationships" in your life. What better day that this day of love to challenge and srutinize relationships and whether we are really doing our best at all of them.

....A man must show himself friendly.

Friends can be short, tall, fat, thin, rich, poor, intellectually challenged, or brain surgeon material. Are any of these the factors that determine who we will be friendly and loving toward? Should they be factors? Does the data, appearance, or IQ of a person determine their loveability or value? Do we work to include, be kind to, have compassion for, and show friendliness to many people, any people, all people, regardless of their statistics?

....Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.

Are we inclined not to be not just unfriendly, but judgmental, to those whom are different than us? Is this what God wants from us, or does he want us to reserve our judgments and leave the condemnation to him. Seems obvious that he did want us to overcome our judgmental nature, yet we behave as if he has given us a duty, through our aspirations to keep ourselves “clean” and to not cavort with sinners. If we stand back and see the forest for the trees, we may see that our congregations and communities appear to outsiders as elitist clubs. Reminds me of that saying about glass houses. “Without sin”, well that is not me, and it is not you either, so do the wise and prudent thing, put down your stones. Jesus did not stone this woman, who had been caught in the act of adultery, so shy would we? He told her to go and sin no more. He did not tell her to go and extricate, surgically remove all of the sin and other sinners from your life. His instruction to this forgiven woman was to clean her own house, and his message to her accusers was to clean theirs.

...Even to the least of these my brothers.

Jesus told us that we may someday entertain angels without knowing it. He implied that these angels would be disguised as unlovely and lowly people. We will have no way of detecting them. Have we done all we can for the “least of these”, or is it possible that we have missed some and disappointed our maker? We encounter so many people in the course of our day. Store clerks, parking attendants, receptionists, the guys standing next to you at the DMV. Have you missed an opportunity to show kindness to any of the least of these?

....They will know you by your love.

Jesus also told us that of all the spiritual gifts we have received, of all the spiritual insight and knowledge we have received through him, the greatest, the highest, the best thing we can do for each other, and to show the world his love, is to love one another. Who can you show love to today? How can you show the extraordinary breadth and depth of the love of God that has been shown to you? Today seems like a good day to start.

On this celebrated day of love, who can you love better?

My Balinda

When my daughter was little enough to be strapped into a car seat, we were driving around town one day, talking about life through the eyes of a little girl. She asked me, “Mommy, where do I live, what is the name of it?”. I responded, “Yorba Linda.” She replied, “My Balinda?”. I said, “No, it’s Yorba......Linda.”. “Ok,” she said, “It’s My Balinda,”

Of course as a teenager, she really does not find this story cute at all, but I will never forget it. She is a very inquisitive, assertive and intelligent girl, and her ownership of the place she lives on that date, impressed me, and made me realized she shared my view of what a special place it is.

Throughout this election season, I have similarly been impressed with my neighbors, colleagues, friends, residents, parents, pet owners, home owners, business people, all who have the same sense of ownership of our wonderful community. I am impressed by the dedication and affection, by the information and attention, with which people regard this community.

The disappointing part has been to see this type of regional patriotism degenerate into a divisive, ownership mentality. “We were here first...” has pervaded the political dialogue and idealogic exchange throughout this campaign. This attitude though, “We were here first...” has in many instances throughout history, been the rhetorical start of major armed conflict. These embers of intolerance are easily fanned into a raging out of control fire.

I’m hoping for something better.

My great grandmother was a Sioux Medicine Woman, and my grandmother (her daughter) was the youngest of thirteen children. I learned many things from my grandmother who grew up on the reservation near Mobridge, South Dakota, during the depression. I learned many things from my grandmother and the stories of her youth. I learned of the importance of thrift, the value of generosity and the vileness of waste. I also learned the importance of forgiving and letting go of past transgressions and dealing with life as it exists each day at a time. If ever there were a reason and a people to stand upon “We were here first..” , it was my grandmother’s community. However, she did not teach me vindictiveness and retribution, she taught practicality and forgiveness and the futility of living in the past. She taught me that a sense of entitlement was not going to get me anywhere.

In Yorba Linda we have (unfortunately like many regions of our country and state!) experienced a difficult, bitter, resentful and angry tone to our campaign season. It saddens me. It saddens me not just for the hurt that it perpetrates to those it is directed toward, but the hurt and division that it has inflicted upon our community. I am also sad for those responsible for this race to the gutter, as I firmly believe that in your effort to deprive others of respect and power, you ultimately give up much of your own (respect and power). It is one of the laws of nature, and people who engage in these kinds of tactics, and employ these dynamics in their own relationships, rarely see it until it is too late. They don’t see how belittling others, makes them smaller, but it does.

Everyone in Yorba Linda feels a strong sense of ownership of their community. It is easy to see, and patently obvious when at each governmental meeting or hearing, each citizen who stands to be heard starts with “I have been a resident of Yorba Linda since....”, but at some point we have to all remember that on this day, at this moment in time, we ALL live here. Right Now. And, tomorrow, we all have one vote, each of us. None more important than the other. None more heavily weighted, and none worth more than one point per vote. Will we vote for our friends, the people who have promised us that they will give us whatever we want in our backyard regardless of the potential cost or impact to the community at large? Or will we vote for individuals of character who will promote the overall health of our government and practically seek out alternatives and compromises that serve the greater good?

It is by protecting the rights of everyone that we each continue to enjoy our own independence. It is by becoming involved and staying informed and voting our conscience that we prevent government from growing into a financial black hole that could swallow us all. On this day, let us all realize that Your Balinda is the same one as Mine, and work toward, and vote for, government that serves the best interests of the whole community and prevent the proliferation of government that serves only a small, select, and vocal few.

I will be voting for candidates with character across the board. They may not agree with me on every minute issue, but I’d rather trust the candidate with character to figure it out and stand for principles rather than promises. Who will you be voting for in Your Balinda?