Peace is Priceless #1

Hezekiah prospered in all that he did. 31And so when ambassadors of the rulers of Babylon were sent to him to inquire about the wonder that had happened in the land, God left him alone to test him, that He might know all that was in Hezekiah's heart. 2 Chronicles 32

I was at a place in life of facing myraid challenges and unexpected, repeated, tragedies, including but not limited to a divorce and my son being injured and hospitalized multiple times.

In spite of these of these hostile invasive events, my professional life flouished. My busines grew. I received recognition and accolades. My material possesions and trappings increased, while I travelled and fully enjoyed single life. I struggled though, internally, with the propriety of my work, the meaning of it all, and in general, perpetully questioning my own okay-ness.

On one typical Thursday afternoon, I was leaving my beautiful tenth floor office in South Orange County I was headed to my favorite wine bar, not too far away, when I got rear ended in my beautiful blue Mercedes.

Peace is priceless, was my motto in all things and something I constantly communicated to my divorce clients. As we had to put a dollar value on pretty much everythig in their lives, I told them, peace is priceless, but in this process you will have an oppotunity to purchase it, and only you can decide how much it will be.

I pulled into the parking lot of the Wine Bar, where the valet usually greeted me by name,. Instead this time, I got out of the car to find out the name of stranger who just hit me. A Prius pulled in right behind me and a young man jumped out, rubbing his head and apologizing. I told him to take a deep breath and just tell me his name. He said his name was Noah.

I just stared at him and said, “Of course it is”.

At that moment in my life, it really was as thoguht Babylonian invaders, had wanderded through my life to see what I was made of, and the Lord was watching to see form my choices, what was in my heart. I was broken, and searching, and hearing the call of the Lord to the things and the ministry I had long ago laid down, and what I really needed, more than anything, at that moment, would have been an ark. An ark to resuce me from the flood that I knew was coming. There I stood, with Noah, and his Prius, and him having a panic attack over rear ending my Mercedes.

I realized this was one of those moments that I could choose, and that how this was going to go, was dependent upon me. That motto, about peace, is really about taking the power, to choose, and not allowing circumstances to be an excuse for not choosing. There is no reason to allow circumstances to dictate your identity, your future or the outcome. The Lord stood back and allowed me to make choices in these difficult places and events in my Life. God showed up, through a supportive Pastor, a scripture at the right time and place, a word of reminder about the promises I had made, my own inadequacy and His unfailing faithfulness. Each time, it was up to me though, to choose. I could choose His promises, or I could choose me, my way, or the World’s way.

I told Noah that he should have a nice evening and forget this ever happened. He looked at me stunned. He continued to comment on what a beautiful car I had and asked if there was anything he could do for me. I told him to pray for me.

Hezekiah had succeded in everything he put his hands to. (v.30) He really made a name for himself, and pepe noticed. I know what that is like. It makes it easy to take yourself too seriously, and it doesnt always result in peace. Peace is priceless, but we have to pay something for it. The cost of peace, is surrender.

The Lord was watching, to see what was in my heart. On that day, it was Peace.

Divorce is Easy: Only people who have never been divorced say this

In the thousands of times that I have sat across the desk from an individual contemplating ending their marriage, I have on only two occasions, had a person acknowledge that they fully expected the relationship to end this way. The point being, everyone is surprised when they end up in a divorce lawyers office. Everyone is surprised when their relationship is the one that ends in some fashion other than “death do us part”. No one expects it, because everyone believes it when they say, “In sickness and in health”, “For richer for poorer”. We humans are imminently hopeful beings. We want it to work. We know the statistics, yet we march down the aisle and say those words. Each one of us who has done so, did it and said it, and believed it, and had total confidence that WE were the couple that would beat the odds. We heard what the personal skeptics said, the ones who told us we were too different, it would never work, we were too young, too old, too naïve, and did it anyways. Because we believed it. We would be different.

The shock of ending up in my office is overwhelming. I get it. I did it. I was a disaster when I unexpectedly ended up in the office of one of my colleagues as a client, after 19 years of marriage. I was the same as any of my clients. Shocked, ashamed, bewildered, disoriented and numb.

Every study on the subject tells us that half or more of marriages end in divorce. Everyone knows it. It doesn’t help to ease the pain of that moment.

Pundits and many religious teachers say that there are so many divorces because it has become too easy. That myth likely began when states like California began “No Fault” Divorce. Which just means, if you ask for a divorce, you get a divorce. Period. Who did what to who, is not a consideration in the granting of a divorce. “Dissolution of Marriage” is the legal term. Changing the verbiage has not made it easier. Changing the burden of proof, to “Irreconcilable Differences” (That’s the fancy term for No Fault) has perhaps in some ways shortcut the litigation, but the pain is the same.

The grieving process is what it is. There is no court order or legal process to change the way people do it, and everyone grieves the end of the marriage that they expected to last until death. Even if they are relieved to be away from a person who was a danger, aggravation or nuisance, the grieving still must happen. The bargaining, the anger, the sadness, it all happens. Everytime.

It is not ever “easy”. Some cases move faster and with less drama and legal activity than others, but I have yet to see one in which it was “easy” for the parties.

The purpose here, it to help people appreciate this. I am occasionally frustrated, when I have this conversation, one on one, for the umpteen thousandth time. I keep thinking, if only people knew. It takes a great deal of courage to make an appointment with a lawyer and actually show up to talk about this. I am certain that there are many people who are having this emotional process going on and think they are the only one. The only one plagued by the failure, the shame, the disarray that occurs in the life of one grieving the loss of relationship, and I want to help them know that it is a process, with stages, and there is something better on the other side.

It is notoriously, one of those awful times in life, that the only way out is through. If I could speak to those people, I would tell them to talk to someone, a lawyer, a therapist, and explore the options, take a step, start the process, of whatever it is you need to do. It can’t get better through inaction.

I believe that any marriage can be saved, but we all know that many just are not. It is not the end of the world, it just feels like it. Divorces happen because people are human and flawed. When two flawed humans come together, not only do they not fix each other, sometimes they make each other worse. In and through it all, humans keep signing up and walking down that aisle. The death of that expectation and hope of “forever”, is anything but “easy”.

Relationship Reset

For over 17 years now, I have worked hard to help people keep it together while their lives are falling apart. I have experienced fatalities within the context of a half dozen of my cases, due to heart failure, overdose, suicide and substance abuse. I have sat with a client at counsel table while they are told that they will no longer have their children in their residence. I have asked questions in a courtroom, on hundreds of occasions, about the final and complete breakdown of a marriage and have on a few occasions donned a black robe to make a judicial finding and affix my signature to a Judgment stating that a marriage is irretrievably broken and therefore dissolved. I have received phone calls from a client on their way to jail, on their way out of jail, or telling me their spouse is in or going to jail. I have met with clients in rehabilitation and mental health locked facilities. I have met with clients in the presence of their mental health professionals. I have seen and heard about the stitches, bruises and mental scars of physical, verbal and sexual abuse. I have conversed with clients about what it is like to find your child dead, to find your spouse with another lover, to want to end your own life.

I have done these things at times, while my own life felt like, or actually was falling apart. I continued to practice, show up to court and hit my mark, through a variety health crises
(a miscarriage on the eve of my 40th birthday); injuries (a fractured vertebrae); and personal losses (my Grandmother, my Grandfather, my beloved Mother-in-law); through the emotional ends of close professional alliances (The best paralegal I ever knew, wisely chose motherhood over the practice of law, several associates left me for greener pastures, and a dear friend and colleague recently abused and betrayed my trust); divorce, recession, several office and home relocation and two too many visits to the ICU with my son. I learned a few things in this battle field of humanity about myself and others, and I‘m compelled to share what I have learned.

What I have learned is, you don’t have to stay in that place, the excruciating location in your life, where things are unmanageable and hope is gone. Humans possess an immense and amazing power, that is, to accept our human condition, to recognize and acknowledge God, and to surrender our will and our ego.

If and when we truly put those simple concepts to work, we then become able to transcend the greatest tragedies and challenges that life can hand us. Our ego, our mind, as it struggles against circumstances that we judge as “wrong” or unfair, unjust, exacerbates our condition, and complicates our difficulties. When we come to a place that we can surrender to what is, focus on what we can control, ourselves. Release the past and embrace the uncertainty of the future, everything changes. We change.

Any relationship can be saved. That doesn’t mean that every relationship will be saved, but, if both parties, to any relationship are willing to truly get over themselves, get right with God, release their ego attachments to “what is” and accept the uncertainty of life, that dramatic change would heal any rift.

This is biblical, this is spiritual, and what I have seen in the myriad tragedies that I describe above. A spiritual awakening precedes any real life change. I am hoping to help people discover and find this in their own lives. I have worked and coached and supported people through tragedies and break ups for so many years. I am eager to work with people who wish to avoid the devastation, head off a divorce before it happens, roll up their emotional work sleeves and do the personal work of transformation that can keep things together, before it all falls completely apart.

I used to always marvel at the amazing transformation my clients go through in the course of their divorce. Abusers must gain insight, victims must learn self respect, addicts must become clean and sober, and liars must tell the truth. Whether by virtue of the court’s requirements upon them, or the transitions of life in the process or the desire to maintain a relationship with one’s children. I have always marveled about how different it would be if the transformation was sought and achieved before the dismantling of the marriage and the family. I am working on that now. Attempting to help people with these lessons, these realizations and practices that can reset a relationship.

Are you the Same or Different?

Why is it so hard for us as humans to see things other than through the lens of our own experience. Simply, it is because that is our experience. Experience that is colored by the animosity, anger, hatred, reproval, injustice and prejudice. Our experiences color, taint or enhance, our perception of the things we experience and perceive in the world.

What if, we took control and command of our lenses. What if we decided not to judge. Just for one day, what would happen. If we looked at, perceived and sensed things that occurred in the world or in our daily life, without attributing a value to it.

You would be surprised at how many things you judge. Not just the things that you think “offend” you, but simple things, like colors, like speech, words, gestures. You attribute meaning to many things. The meaning you attribute comes from you, your choice, based upon your beliefs and your experiences. Once you get in tune with your judgment and how often you engage it, your perception of it, or everything, of yourself and your world, will change. Your level of engagement in negative emotions will also change. Your level of comfort, peace and safety in your world will change.

You choose to respond. You choose to react. None of it is required, or inevitable, it is chosen. You can chose forgiveness. You can chose peace. You can chose safety. You can choose non-judgment daily.

There is so much bias in our world today and it fosters so much strife. Every person on every side of every debate, blames the people on the other side for being so imminently unreasonable and biased.

They all miss the point. You will never convince those who disagree with you. You will never win over those whose ideals and lifestyles are opposed to yours. How bad would it be, how would it really hurt you, to accept their diversity and difference? Not join it, just engage in non-judgment and accept. How would it make you better, would you feel better, sleep better, have greater peace, if you shared with them your animosity and hatred? Does holding onto your animosity and hatred, help you....?

A quote attributed to Nelson Mandela is something like this, holding onto hatred and unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. This great thought, comes from the man who embraced his prison guards when he was released after nearly three decades imprisoned.

Yet most of us can not even muster common courtesy to those whose political and religious views are different than ours, and certainly to advocate for those different than us to maintain the right to be different than us has become almost unspeakable.

So, if you are not willing to try acceptance as a path to inner peace and you remain intent on staying in your corner of animosity and hatred, consider a broader perspective. It was not all that long ago that we were burning people at the stake for being different. That’s okay, so long as you are not the one considered to be “different”. Now that we don’t do that, is the fight to make others “different’ and be part of the same-ness group really working for you? How long till your not same-enough?

Freedom must be for all or it is for none. Peace is priceless, but it is also free. Non-judgment would cost you nothing. Releasing animosity would would harm no one, but it will bring peace to anyone who simply chooses to release it.

Change

Change is not evil or good, change is just life. The earth turns around again. The sun goes down and comes up again. Tomorrow is different than today, and today is different than yesterday. You are different, the world is different, than it was, even when you started reading this. You can not stop or prevent it. Things change.

A few weeks ago, the universe of my backyard changed forever.

Since our German Shephard puppy, Diesel, arrived about a year ago, my little terriers have been able to escape his puppy harassment by leaping up onto the four foot high retaining wall, and hiding out, on the slope above. I’m not sure how, but Diesel recently realized, that he has gotten big and strong enough to leap up onto the slope himself. The little doggies knew very little peace in that first few weeks that their safe haven had been violated by this giant baby dog.

What has transpired though, has been mildly inspirational to me. Of course my worry was that the incessant barking of Diesel chasing the little dogs around on the slope, would be unending. Well, it is ongoing, and recurring, but there are those amazing moments when I catch all three of them sunning themselves on the patio in the afternoon sun. Amazingly cute, peaceful bliss, all laying together. What has transpired is a more tolerant, more congenial and closer relation between the three. They can’t get away from him, so they have all had to deal with each other. He even managed to squeeze into their bed with one of them this evening. They have to tolerate his harassment, but they all tire out together and have learned to get out of the way of his enormous feet when they are all chasing a cat together. Adaptation, occurring right before my eyes.

The funny thing about us as humans is with our ability to choose, we can create our own adaptations.

We can choose change. We can roll with change. We can resist change. We must cope with change, because, like it or not, it is coming, but our coping mechanism, which one we will utilize, is uniquely within our own power.

The sun will come up tomorrow. Slightly different than it did today, greeting a slightly different you than it did today. We can greet the changed day with recalcitrance and obstinance, resisting its difference than the days we already knew. We can greet it with acceptance, with gratitude, flow with the newness and ferret out even more newness, or stagnate and grieve the loss of that day that we already knew and understood.

It’s a fundamental philosophy of life, I know. I seem to find myself constantly struggling against those who hold fast to sameness, and view the embracing of constancy as a moral battle. So, I will choose. I will embrace the change and the newness, encourage newness when I see the opportunity, and accept those who cling to the past and the loss of sameness. If my little doggies can adapt and find bliss in a new world order, then certainly I can too.

The Fallacy of Fault

I read a newspaper article recently about a group of investors who lost a great deal of money with a real estate investment firm. An investment firm, that by definition was managing and acquiring a variety of speculative real estate ventures. The firm is now in bankruptcy, with lawsuits pending in two counties, the ongoing obligations of taxes and maintenance of the properties, not to mention no further influx of investor cash. The news article alluded to some possible fault or mismanagement of the executive at the helm.

Really, people lost money in real estate in the past five years? You would have to live on Mars to not know and expect that turn of events.

As I recently sat through a morning calendar in an Orange County courtroom, I watched an attorney argue vigorously that a spouse who had been awarded the family home, had a duty to continue paying and pay off a second mortgage, on a house that had been short-sold or foreclosed upon, in order to protect the credit rating of his client, the spouse who was not awarded the house. Essentially, requesting spouse be an absolute guarantor to the other spouse. The judge cited, more than once, that the Judgment in that case was entered five years prior and that the house was gone. Each spouse got his/her bargained for exchange, along with whatever risk and benefits came with it, but now with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, someone has buyers remorse, as well as the energy and disposable funds to march in and complain about it.

Five years later?? If there was no order to refinance the debt into the sole name of the recipient spouse, the client who is out, and still on that outstanding second loan is most certainly on the hook still, as to the lender. The family law judgment does not have jurisdiction over creditors. First year divorce lawyer stuff. Civil Procedure? WHO does the court have jurisdiction over? First year law student stuff. Come on.

Periodically, on the court days that we call Mandatory Settlement Conferences, parties (not surprisingly), as they stare down the barrel at a trial date, become far more flexible in their positions and their overall willingness to compromise. What I have observed is that it is very easy to be courageous and bold in the safety of my office, on the phone or in an email, but once we are at court, with the prospect of that stranger in the black robe taking a few minutes to decide a litigants’ future, they become far more in tune to what result they can and can not live with, and cases settle.

However, that weary litigant, home after a long hard day of hammering this out in the courthouse cafeteria, then has to answer to a plethora of their cheerleaders, Mother, Father, sister, brother, significant other. All of whom have been this litigant’s emotional and sometimes financial support, crying shoulder, sympathetic ear, and confidante. This group, not in any way happy to hear of a settlement with that dirtbag of an Ex. Didn’t your lawyer fight for you? How could this happen? You were so mistreated during your marriage. This is not right. This is not fair. You need to change this. Back in the safety of life where the delusions and denial are all accepted part of the norm, weary litigant is wondering what happened and fully forgets the earlier pleas to his/her lawyer, “I juuuuust want this DONE.

It must be the lawyers fault. That lawyer didn’t do enough, didn’t care enough, didn’t know enough, was afraid, unprepared, liked the other side better than you.....the list is long.

When I was in middle school I had a typing teacher (It was in olden days when there were typewriters that didn’t even plug in) who saw it as his platform to teach life lessons. His theory and philosophy of that class was that everything, every single thing, event, incident, outcome, in your life is a result of your choice. With that, he gave us a contract and told us to pick our grade for his class. If we abided by the terms of the contract we would receive the grade we selected. That lecture stayed with me, I took it to heart and believed it. It was much like what my grandmother was trying to teach me everyday. Somehow I got it.

I have learned that a whole bunch of people wandering around in the world never got this lecture. Our collective ability to accept responsibility for our circumstances is abysmally low.

How about this one: It’s not my fault, I voted for that other guy.

In taking the temperature of our society, we can not escape the fact that we re-elected a leader, whose mantra has been, “it is the other guys fault”. Those who did not support this lemming like rush to the fiscal cliff, have now as their mantra, “I did not vote for THAT guy”. Really? Your one vote? You did NOT support this result, so you are off the hook? What effort did you put forth for YOUR guy?

The process worked. We all got the result from the last Presidential election that we deserved. The result that we collectively earned. Before you go raving off, just let that sink in for a moment.

A leader reflects some level of collective identity, and this one (Our current Commander in Chief), at his foundation, is that of non-responsibility. I can’t tell if the personna of the leader of the free world is the beginning or the end of this attitude, but you can not deny it certainly is the culmination, a social mirror of sorts, that we are all looking into. Denial permeates all of this behavior, ‘it is not my fault’ is the battle cry. With denial, usually comes delusion, and the ‘Kumbayah’, if we all hold hands and wear Birkenstocks and give out more free stuff we will all be as one, like the “Give the world a Coke” commercials from my childhood.

How pathetic. We are not The Great Generation. If they were here with us, and if those few who still are, were cognizant of these things, they would be ashamed of us. I know my Grandmothers would be. Nothing is easy. Nothing is free. I am in charge of myself. These were their attitudes, their battle cry.

My paternal grandmother told me of times when she was picking cotton, she took her four children with her to help, and the baby was swaddled to her chest while she worked and minded the children. She would be shocked and appalled to hear some of the stories I hear of young mothers who refuse to work because they have a baby. I wonder why these mothers have come to the place they believe it is okay to live with their parents, and not work while they collect a check from the father or the government. In no way does in occur to some of these girls that they are not meeting their moral obligations as a parent.

If my maternal grandmother were here, she certainly would have mastered that art of extreme couponing, because she was the Queen of the Blue Chip stamp. Well into my adult hood she would remind me of the critical things she purchased for my life with the strategizing of her blue chip stamps. She got my first high chair at the Blue Chip stamp store. She collected Christmas glasses from Arby’s, and went there often enough on the holidays to get me 12 of those glasses. (I use them proudly every Christmas) She reminded me daily that on the reservation where she grew up, her bathroom was outside the home as there was no running water and running water is something you should never take for granted. Everything had consequences, and no one had the right to complain about their circumstances, but everyone had the right to go out and do something about it.

Our societal ills are not going to be cured or even treated with the proliferation of platform, or policies, or any more dogma. We have to start looking at the problem as a personal one. As long as you are pointing a finger, you are the problem. We each have our own cross to bear, and they come in many shapes and sizes. Being American does not entitle you to anything except an opportunity to become something. Being an investor, like being a gambler, only entitles you to profit if your numbers come up right. Being a spouse does not entitle you to support for life, guarantee insulation from financial risk or emotional pain, you are entitled to share in the gains and the losses. Being a litigant entitles you to a trial, to a determination, from another human being in a black robe of whether you are wrong or right, and you might be found to be wrong. In which case, you have the right to bear the costs of being wrong, and paying for services that you contracted for. You have the right to parent a child, if you desire to and are able. You have an obligation to support that child.

What we control in our world is our response, to everything. The greatest thinkers on the planet have learned, experienced and taught this. Nelson Mandela, DeePak Chopra, Viktor Frankl, have all promoted or espoused some form of this. You can choose joy over misery. You can find peace and pleasure in the fact that the sun came up today, or you can choose aggravation over a flat tire, traffic jam or some other inconvenience. The seed of opportunity always exists, to choose a response that edifies you and multiplies positive energy in your surroundings, or you can kill it by fostering negativity and feeding an attitude of lack.

No rights are absolute. No privileges are limitless. No one owes you anything. We have become so enamored with our blessings and confused them with entitlements, we have forgotten about what we are obligated to. We should start applying the simple philosophy of Viktor Frankl to our lives, which is that the only thing you can control in the world is your response to your surroundings. Own your choices, think carefully about what our obligations are. To not make matters worse? To not bring harm or cause misery to others? To take care of ourselves? If we choose our responses carefully, then the outcome is no one’s “fault”, it just is.

Technology vs. Brenda McCune

The past few weeks have been an extraordinary cacophony of technical malfunctions in my environment. The heater at home, the cordless phones, then the phone line, home computer, office server, copier, cell phone issues, television ....the list is long and the incidents bizarre.

The battle rages on in the case of Technology vs. Brenda McCune. Lost my phone at court today. When I found it after about an hour of searching, I called my office, intent on rattling off a very ambitious list of “to-do’s” to my assistant, because my afternoon that had miraculously cleared up once my trial got continued. I called my office and discovered that the office phones are out again. The fax, email, internet, and calling out, all worked, all day, just fine. Calling IN to the office, though, not happening. I had been wondering why it seemed so quiet earlier when I was there.

Step 11...... “Praying only for God’s will and the power to carry it out”. If you do this daily, and I do, and you believe it, and I do, then what could you possibly have to be distressed about. It is all for the good and part of the plan. Really, God? The phones are out....again? Who am I to wonder why. Trial is not happening? Well alright, I learned a long time ago, we can only do so much to control the schedule of others. There is frequently one of the multiple players, two parties, two or more attorneys, one or more experts, one or more witnesses, any of whom can become unavailable and the whole hearing thing is derailed and re-set, continued or trailed. When you think about it, with all these individuals and their schedules it is a miracle we ever get hearing done. What we call a mishap, malfunction, accident, in any area of our life, is really just another thing. A moment in a day in a life, where God is in control. He’s got this. I can let it go.

I realized that in the one hour or so that I was, not in trial, but searching for my cell phone by wandering around the court house, I had an opportunity to do what I don’t do often enough. Chat with a favorite clerk and court reporter, catch up with one of my favorite lawyers in the hallway, meet and greet the Sheriffs at the front door security, (the guys who wand me many mornings, check out my shoes every day, we practically have an intimate relationship anyway, we should at least be on a first name basis) then chatted up some of the workers over at Bella’s Café.

None of this wasted time. Do I really need to spend another evening till 9pm in my office staring at a computer and shuffling papers around? I bet the world will not stop spinning on its axis if I don’t spend this evening in my office “fixing” things. Perhaps on this Thursday afternoon, the malfunctioning phones are telling me to take a breather. Maybe the most important thing that I have to do today is to visit a dear friend who just became a Grandmother. The pictures of a new grandbaby on Facebook can not compare to the way a new Grandma’s face lights up when she tells you about him. Maybe the most important thing I have to do this evening is to keep my dinner date with a girlfriend who I adore and respect, and laugh and commiserate and be validated by her. Maybe I just need to sit down and pet my dogs or chat with a nice stranger at the gas station.

What is the greatest commandment? To love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. If I love God I will listen to him and observe his lead, accept and trust the circumstances beyond my control. If I love my neighbor, I will take time to look at his face, know his name and stop long enough to hear.

Technology has not been at war with me this past month. Technology has been at war with me my whole life. As our multitasking, multi-platform, user friendly tools, increase and become even more user focused and demographically driven, the intrusion into real communication and the seduction to ever more doing, can eclipse real connection and exchange.

The world will not stop spinning on its axis, but sometimes, we as humans must.

My Two Cents at Christmas

Who would agree to have a trial set on the 20th of December? Well, that would be me. As luck would have it, opposing counsel has the flu. There was no biological warfare involved, as I understand it is the real flu. So my afternoon miraculously opened up. I figured that, as usual with this time of year, it was necessary to show some appreciation to my staff, and took them out for an early and long lunch. Then I figured, being close to the mall, what an opportune time to catch up on some last minute shopping.

As I was at the mall, I found a few things remarkable and worth noting. Suffice it to say, I truly believe that the mall, any mall in America, is the soft underbelly of our culture. If society is sick, the mall would be the place to put the thermometer. Here is what stood out to me today.

Sears is still open. After years ago, all the lamenting about how this American institution was breathing its last breath, the doors are still open and it is filled from wall to wall with merchandise. (So that’s one Christmas miracle)

As I walked through Sears, I looked intently for anything that resembled that commercial that is currently running on every channel, with the well dressed, attractive young woman, saying to some other frumpy less attractive and well dressed women, “I got it at Sears!”. I’m not at all sure where that chick got her clothes, but it was not at Sears. Not in my neighborhood anyway. I guarantee that in North Orange County, there is no chance of you encountering any young woman fashionably dressed, preaching the gospel of shopping at Sears. Not happening, not this Christmas.

I totally get the effort to pull of a bait and switch, but puhleeese, there must be something comparable to ‘switch’ the buyer to. It definitely ain’t happening here, and Sears would be well served to stop those misleading commercials immediately and send the cash they had budgeted for this advertising farse, to feeding starving children in third world countries. Cut your losses, Sears, abandon the sinking ship of this ad campaign, it is too far fetched and not gonna work.

Secondly, and truly the most disturbing part of my afternoon, is when did it become okay to dress your little girls up as whores? If you are trying to teach them that stripping is a viable profession and get them accustomed to most of their clientele who may look like Santa Claus, then, well played mom. However, to most regular folks, like hopefully, me, this is frightening and apalling.

This is one of those situations when I take out and dust off my idea of roving social workers. They could be like traffic cops. Capable of stopping, shaming and harassing otherwise law abiding citizens when they are outside the bounds of the law. Dressing little girls like whores definitely would be one of those citable events. Certainly if social services had a payments window to collect the fines, something like the court clerks office or the DMV, it could be a significant revenue enhancement. Improper and age inappropriate attire should be worth as much as a serious speeding ticket, say $200.00. If a social services cop was camped out near Santa today, they could generate some significant revenue. Definitely not worth the work of an investigation and home visit, but darnit, a fine may wake these idiot parents up.

Just some thoughts on trying to make the world a better place. It is Christmas after all, who doesn’t want to improve the world for next year.

How to move a mountain, or change the world in three easy steps

“He has not given us the spirit of fear, (but of power and of love and of a sound mind)” If our maker did not give us this emotion/attitude of fear, then who or where did it come from? Is it a powerful force of evil outside of us, lurking around in the world, constantly attempting to overtake us? Or some evil of self awareness and self indulgence within us, the product of the fall of man? Maybe that thing that Freud called the ego?

Perhaps the greatest evil the world, and that every human faces is within each of us. It has been called the Self, the Ego, the Sin-nature. After the fall of man, sin or self awareness separated us from God. As an inborn element of every human being, it is however, imminently conquerable, and not an intractable monster. One soul at a time, but only with the work and consent of that one soul. Perhaps this is truly the mountain we struggle with removing. "Whoever will say to that mountain, be removed and cast into the sea, it shall be done." Matthew 21:21

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. World peace begins in your soul. In my soul. The great truth of Viktor Frankl, I only control my own reaction to the things around me. In that, I may be, and can be, the beginning of an avalanche of world peace. If moving a mountain starts with "faith as small as a mustard seed" Matthew 17:20, then certainly working on my own soul can have an impact.

"Judge not that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. Jesus gave us the keys to changing the world. Clean house. Your own house, not someone else’s.

I got up and checked the news this morning. There is no world peace, but God is still in charge, and my free will is in tact. I will begin again, and start with me. I definitely didn’t do my part yesterday, but I will try again today with three simple goals.

1) Trust God (Release fear,God's in charge.); 2) Clean House (The only person I can fix is me.); 3) Help others (Step outside myself, my needs and pity and fear and weakness, and approach God's world and his children with the love and respect that he would.)

Brendaisms

There are certain universal truths in family law litigation. The excruciating emotional pain makes any litigant feel as though they are surely the only one to have experienced this unique trauma. Much like compound fractures in the Emergency Room, to the patient these are a life altering devastation. To the first responders, it is just another bloody day at work.

The complex nature of family law, and the strain and distraction that anesthetizes our clients, make for a difficult environment to communicate in. I have learned, the simpler the instructions and affirmations, the better. Client’s routinely forget, ignore, or dismiss my advice. My hope is that by making it simple, and consistent, that when it all goes wrong, at least I can remind them with and I-told-you-so kind of attitude, and hopefully we get on the learning curve. It usually goes something like, “So, remember how I told you _____, and you decided to _____? How’d that work out?”

In any event, a criminal attorney friend, paying homage to those of us who work this front line, made me think, perhaps these axiomatic Brenda-isms may assist someone who has relationship termination issues or other life changing moments occurring. I also totally get that $400 an hour is a lot of money, and since I don’t do miracles for that kinda money, the least I could do is wax clever and insightful, or moderately humorous, now and then. So, here ya go, my own top ten, maybe you will find them helpful or instructive.

#10 Always sit up straight in the courtroom.
#9 When you live by the sword, you die by the sword. (Referring to the battle of litigation, not advocating violence)
#8 Don’t bring your Mom to court. (Dad, brother, sister, new girlfriend, leave them all at home! It is time to put your big girl/boy pants on and a posse won’t help.)
#7 He/She was good enough for you one day, for at least 20 minutes or so.
(This usually gets a better response than “You’re the one who picked him/her!”)
#6 No one ever expected to be here.
#5 The “Fair” is in Pomona. (I did not make this one up, but I say it all the time)
#4 Peace is priceless. (In this process you will have the opportunity to purchase it and only you can determine the price)
#3 No is a complete sentence.
#2 Don’t talk to him/her. (Or similarly, He/She is not on our side.)
#1 He/She is not the boss of you. (A most helpful affirmation, especially in relationships where abuse and control have been issues.)

What is the shape of a Family?

What makes up a family? Is it one mom, one dad and two kids? Is it One mom and two kids? Is it two Dads and one kid? It is being defined and redefined every day. That is the one thing that is for certain. Is one shape superior to the others? Research and wisdom and data on the subject says no.

Our puritanical and religious roots tell us that one mom, one dad, and their biological offspring is the best form of a family. This is rooted in tradition, propaganda, social mores, and a concept most of society clings to that it is somehow the “best” situation for children, yet there is little to no research on child development to bear this out. The studies that argue that this traditional formatted family is “best” for children, omit the factors of the social, personal and religious pressures that in the past have been inflicted upon non-traditional and alternately structured families. The studies and research that argue a one mom, one dad and their biological offspring are the best structure for children also ignore the ramifications of dysfunction within this relationship to the children being raised in this structure.

Two low functioning parents, unhappy in their current relationship status, dissatisfied with their life, and disgruntled with their social obligations to remain in a non fulfilling spousal role, are not providing the best of anything for their biological children. Is there a reward, medal, a pay-off at the end of the day for “hanging in there”? The real consequence of staying in a unhappy marriage for years, for the “benefit” of the children is actually years of lost happiness, years of lost self-actualization, years of less effective parenting, years of checking out due to the overwhelming depression, and children who are worse off, possibly emotionally, physically and mentally neglected because of it. Children who have lost time with their mentally and emotionally unavailable parent, children whose development has been ignored and not supervised. Children who learn hopelessness, because they have been taught by example that there are no other options.

There is nothing magical about a man, a woman and their biological offspring. A parent, each parent, individually, must be a functional individual first, before he or she is an effective and successful parent. A parent who is abused and unhappy because he or she is committed to an ideal that is not congruent and fulfilling its original destiny and expectaion, is setting an example for a child that happiness is not a priority. Quite possibly and likely setting the example that emotional drudgery is the norm in adult life. Children are far more emotionally real and susceptible than adults are. We must protect and treasure that vulnerability and realize their pain and their empathy for our pain is so much more intense. When we teach them to ‘stuff’ their pain for some higher good, an alleged greater aspiration that has no pay-off, i.e. staying in an unsatisfying relationship just ‘for the kids’ or because it is the right thing to do, we damage them. We damage them when we damage ourselves.

A low functioning parent is a low functioning parent. Period.

That is not to say that there aren’t many, MANY, man and wife parenting teams that are doing an awesome job of raising well adjusted, healthy kids, but it is not automatically a winning combo. What then is the cost? The cost of adhering to this outdated and outmoded ideal of one size fits all? An ideal and aspiration that had some practical historical and religious roots, but has been shown on an individual basis and by research to not be a litmus test, or the be all end all, for how to raise a happy, successful, self actualized and well adjusted child.

What is the shape of a family then? Hopefully it is where a child has a parent or parents, whom love and support the child, because the parent feels loved and supported, and are able to exist in an environment where parents and children feel safe, emotionally, physically and mentally, in a way that they can all self-actualize in a way that is in the developmental best interests of all.

Politics and Blunt Force Trauma (Written February 2011)

In 2002 I was injured in a car accident and had what I latter learned can only be described as "closed head trauma". The accident, I could not really recall. Many things related to my life, like my phone number and the directions to my office from my home, I could not remember. Words escaped me, peoples names escaped me, and often I found my self en route somewhere, only to realize that I was unsure where I was going and why. The strange and unexpected lesson I learned is that there is a facet of emotional memory, emotional experience, that does not get erased, even with this loss of short term memory. Emotionally, you remember. The day after my accident, I woke up, in my own room, in my own bed, unsure of where I was, but I knew for sure, that I belonged there. The ‘feeling’, emotional experiences, were not forgotten, and not affected by my short term memory problems.



My recent submersion into politics was a little bit the same. I was a stranger in a strange land, but compelled to be there by a force that I still struggle to explain, and the emotion attached to it, is inescapable.



I have spent the past 15 years sharpening my skills as a litigator and navigating the treacherous waters of family law in Southern California Courts. For the 8 years prior to finishing Law School I sold cars, paid my own way and purchased a home. It is amusing to be characterized as someone with financial influence in local politics at this time, because I was not in any way a trust fund baby. My puzzled family marvelled at why I would work a decent paying full time job that was often seven days a week, and still pursue the law degree at all other times including evenings and weekends. My parents are the hardest working people I know. My mom didn’t finish high school and my dad drove trucks and wanted to own his own trucks more than anything. I think at some point they really thought I had lost my mind though. Encouragement for my far fetched plan was non-existant, and my committment to the plan, rarely gained me any reinforcement or approval. One of my bosses in the car business said to me one day, "If that law thing doesn’t work out, you will always have the car business." Thankfully the law-thing kinda worked out for me, but I’m always up for a new challenge, and politics has been calling me since I was a young Republican.



After my years in the car business and in the practice of family law, I have to admit, I was somewhat dismissive of the warnings of the hard knocks I would take in politics. In the car business in the 80's I was generally the only woman on the sales force, a very young one at that, and in law practice, I have devoted my career to family law litigation, divorces and trial work. I lived in the trenches of these tough careers, worked with rough aggressive car salesmen, and represented vindictive abrasive litigants and confronted antagonistic divorce lawyers. I truly did not think that politics could serve up any abuse, humiliation or adversity I hadn’t already endured in life. I was mistaken.



The ugliness in politics is merciless, it is arbitrary, objectifies and disregards the humanity of the participants. Unlike litigation, there is little if any, professional courtesy, and most frustrating is the utter lack of a right to confront and cross examine.



We sat through about 5 Candidate "Forums" in my recent City Council race. Not debates, but question and answer programs, sponsored by various organizations in the city. During at least the last two of these debates, both John Anderson and Tom Lindsey, unequivocally denied any involvement in the extensive negative campaign levied against incumbent Jan Horton.




No one asked further, and I did not get the opportunity to ask my cross exaiming questions of Mr. Lindsey and Mr. Anderson. If they had "nothing" to do with the negative campaign, (Anderson’s meticulously chosen words were "I did not write that piece.") then why did the negative mail pieces about Jan Horton each come on the very day, and with the same bulk mail permit, as the mail pieces on Anderson and Lindsey. They (Anderson/Lindsey) were endorsed by the YLRRR, the group that claimed responsibility for the mail pieces against Horton. Lindsey/Anderson were also endorsed by the CRA and the NOCCC. Both or either group was responsible (apparently, because no one has stepped up and claimed responsibility for it) the obnoxious robo-call, with the angry male voice targeting Jan Horton. I would have loved an opportunity to call as witnesses for purposes of cross-examination, Anderson, Lindsey, various founding members of the YLRRR and organizers of the NOCCC, on the veracity of their financial declarations, their denial of involvement in the hit pieces and who really was that angry male voice?




Even these many months after the campaign is over, I am contacted on a regular basis by citizens who own horses and are denied access to and use of our city facilities because they backed the wrong candidate, by property owners who are in fear that their open support of my campaign would have earned them the retribution of the current city council, by concerned citizens who clearly realize that by being "outside" of the small controlling political circle in our city, they will not in any way have the same voice or advantages as those on the "inside". Due process is not supposed to work this way. I continue to contend, there is now, and has not been any danger of "Bell in YL" the political climate in this city is more akin to historic Chicago, where the prevailing attitude was " If you are not one of us, you are not."




I will not again, belaver here, the points already exhausted during the course of the campaign about the substantive deficiencies with the policies and platforms of the current majority council. Suffice it to say, we the citizens, through apathy or misinformation, have allowed an administration that patronizes a minority of citizens and a special interest group, and who’s agenda and record of spending would embarrass many a democrat.



Jim Drummond, on the one occasion he ventured to speak to me, made it clear that he did not like that I had retained a political consultant, did not like my consultant personally, and suggested that I change courses. His continual favorable treatment to John Anderson and John Anderson’s friends make no secret of where Jim Drummond’s loyalties lie, but his veiled threat to me that I would not find favor with him if I was not alligned with his friends was something I found unusually offensive from someone who hides behind the veil of the press and feigned objectivity.



I have not reviewed the financial reports of any other candidates. I really don’t care to. I was assured at the outset of the campaign that I would spend more than the others, because I was a newcomer, because I refused to allign with any other candidate and because I intended to run a credible campaign. I do doubt the summary of Mr. Drummond that I outspent the others. I have serious doubts about the veracity of the reports of the YLRRR, Lindsey or Anderson, given the unprecedented battle they waged. However, that is the benefit of anonymity isn’t it. There is no membership roll of the YLRRR published anywhere, at any time. Still no one knows who really is a member of this organization. The organization that undoubtedly decided this election. The organization that is strangely outside the parameters of John Anderson’s carefully drafted "ethics" ordinance.



I am the only candidate who hired professionals to work on my campaign. I am the only candidate who is also a sole practice, lawyer, and single parent. I take seriously the legal requirements of set forth by the federal government, I did not have the time to learn these ropes, and no fully unemployed spouse to navigate them for me. I have a lot to lose potentially, and I intended to come through the campaign without inadvertently missing any legal requirements.


I would not have done anything differently. I would do the November 2010 campaign all over again. I will not do another one, but have no regrets about the recent past. I saw truth and common sense die a slow and painful death right before me, each and every time I confronted these candidates. Sound bytes and platitudes rule the day, and our city is worse off because of it. The damage resultant from complacency has not yet even begun to rear it’s ugly head. This, I can not face again.



So, yes, strangely and illogically, compelled to engage in this battle? I was. I may forget the veiled threats of Jim Drummond, and the furtive glances of Anderson and Lindsey as they denied the obvious, but the feeling, much like blunt force trauma, of standing up, at great personal expense to myself and my family, to do the right thing, and being accused of something else, well that is a ‘feeling’ that is not to be forgotten. It was important to do, and not likely I will stand before that train again.

Powerlessness

If you have ever heard the voice of God, once you acknowledge it, it is unmistakable. I am confident that I have missed it many times. I am confident that guardian angels have guided and protected me many times, times that I know of and acknowledge, and times that I have ignored out of fear of looking directly in the face of divine providence. On one occasion, I acknowledged the conscious contact with God, accepted that the profound voice was not one that came from me, and realized it was a message he had attempted to communicate to me many times. In the depths of pain and confusion, remorse and anger, baffled by grief and experiencing first hand the “wrestling” with God described in the garden of Gethsemane, in that moment, when I heard the voice of God speaking directly to me, everything changed.

I changed, the circumstances changed, my ability to receive grace and miracles, and responsibility for myself and only the things within my control, everything, changed. I have learned that our pain is a gift. That gratitude and acceptance are the greatest powers we posses, and that nothing, absolutely nothing, is within my control or direction. It that acknowledgment of my own powerlessness, I tapped into the peace and grace that had always been available yet overlooked in my life.

We each have our own journey.

My plan, my intended destiny, as well as any self righteous good wishes I may have for another, are irrelevant. God has a plan for each of us. We all have our own reckoning to do. At the end of our days on earth, we each stand alone. Accountable for our actions and reactions to the world we have experienced, with no advocate, no scapegoat, alone, accountable. I can not control or determine anyone else’s journey, make it easier from my point of view, no matter how altruistic, selfless or practical my intentions.

In the realization that pain is a gift, that mercy visits us in tragedy, that our human experience is limited by dimension, I learned my self righteous good intentions are not helpful. They are interference, intrusion and interruption in the journey of another, and that such efforts are not necessarily well spent. Because ultimately, I am powerless over others.

Such a simple concept. Taught and propounded by Viktor Frankl. I have loved the concept of: the only thing one can control is one’s response to his environment. A laudable concept, but as I have discovered, a difficult one to live.

There are different kinds of “knowing”. To know something intellectually, as in facts and figures, from books, history and math. To know, as in to meet someone, to be familiar, to understand, to feel and comprehend.

Now I know, more than intellectually. I am powerless over others, as well as much of what occurs in the world. As I let those things and my efforts to control, go, I tap into the power of the Universe through a gracious and loving God. Our ultimate power lies in our surrender.

He sent you a picture of WHAT?

I read an article yesterday about how the new technologies of communication are affecting sociological development and culture. Mores continue to develop as boundaries and propriety are blurred. As a grown up single girl who is in a profession in which I daily encounter TMI, I feel uniquely qualified to make this very important PSA to all men, everywhere: Women do not want to see IT.

I have had the unfortunate experience of having received such photos (Yes, photos is plural) via my cell phone. On at least one occasion, I specifically recall, making it imminently clear to the sender that I did not want to see IT, that I did not want a picture of IT, and explained that women are not visual like men in that way and I am certain that I am not the only girl who desires never to receive any image, form or likeness of IT. He sent it anyway. No, english was not his second language.

Men, trust me on this, if she says she does not want to see it, she does not want to see it. If you don’t ask her and send it anyway, she does not want to see it. Even if she likes you a lot, and has seen it in person, she still does not want to see a picture of it, and most definitely not in the middle of the day, as an MMS on her cell phone or an attachment in her email inbox. Don’t ask your guy friends for guidance on this one, they are all as misguided as you, whatever they say is just wrong.

Although you may love it and think it is very special, rest assured, it is not. Even if you are incredibly impressed with your sexual prowess, and want to document your high degree of motivation, I assure you she doesn’t want to see it. Once you photograph it for her, she is not gonna want to see you... at all. .....and yes, she will show all her friends and they will all laugh and critique. It won’t be pretty, they won't say kind things about you. They will all be similarly apalled.

If you are famous, marginally popular, or even well connected or related to someone famous, don’t do it. Definitely don’t do it. No one wants to see it, and once IT is out there, everyone will know that you are just a self absorbed creep. If you don’t believe me, I bet you can get Anthony Weiner or Bret Favre on the phone to explain it to you.

Good luck, and remember, a cell phone camera is not a toy. Snap responsibly.

Happy Valentines Day

On this day of love, not everyone has a "Valentine", and even if you do, you have to acknowledge that there are many "relationships" in your life. What better day that this day of love to challenge and srutinize relationships and whether we are really doing our best at all of them.

....A man must show himself friendly.

Friends can be short, tall, fat, thin, rich, poor, intellectually challenged, or brain surgeon material. Are any of these the factors that determine who we will be friendly and loving toward? Should they be factors? Does the data, appearance, or IQ of a person determine their loveability or value? Do we work to include, be kind to, have compassion for, and show friendliness to many people, any people, all people, regardless of their statistics?

....Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.

Are we inclined not to be not just unfriendly, but judgmental, to those whom are different than us? Is this what God wants from us, or does he want us to reserve our judgments and leave the condemnation to him. Seems obvious that he did want us to overcome our judgmental nature, yet we behave as if he has given us a duty, through our aspirations to keep ourselves “clean” and to not cavort with sinners. If we stand back and see the forest for the trees, we may see that our congregations and communities appear to outsiders as elitist clubs. Reminds me of that saying about glass houses. “Without sin”, well that is not me, and it is not you either, so do the wise and prudent thing, put down your stones. Jesus did not stone this woman, who had been caught in the act of adultery, so shy would we? He told her to go and sin no more. He did not tell her to go and extricate, surgically remove all of the sin and other sinners from your life. His instruction to this forgiven woman was to clean her own house, and his message to her accusers was to clean theirs.

...Even to the least of these my brothers.

Jesus told us that we may someday entertain angels without knowing it. He implied that these angels would be disguised as unlovely and lowly people. We will have no way of detecting them. Have we done all we can for the “least of these”, or is it possible that we have missed some and disappointed our maker? We encounter so many people in the course of our day. Store clerks, parking attendants, receptionists, the guys standing next to you at the DMV. Have you missed an opportunity to show kindness to any of the least of these?

....They will know you by your love.

Jesus also told us that of all the spiritual gifts we have received, of all the spiritual insight and knowledge we have received through him, the greatest, the highest, the best thing we can do for each other, and to show the world his love, is to love one another. Who can you show love to today? How can you show the extraordinary breadth and depth of the love of God that has been shown to you? Today seems like a good day to start.

On this celebrated day of love, who can you love better?

My Balinda

When my daughter was little enough to be strapped into a car seat, we were driving around town one day, talking about life through the eyes of a little girl. She asked me, “Mommy, where do I live, what is the name of it?”. I responded, “Yorba Linda.” She replied, “My Balinda?”. I said, “No, it’s Yorba......Linda.”. “Ok,” she said, “It’s My Balinda,”

Of course as a teenager, she really does not find this story cute at all, but I will never forget it. She is a very inquisitive, assertive and intelligent girl, and her ownership of the place she lives on that date, impressed me, and made me realized she shared my view of what a special place it is.

Throughout this election season, I have similarly been impressed with my neighbors, colleagues, friends, residents, parents, pet owners, home owners, business people, all who have the same sense of ownership of our wonderful community. I am impressed by the dedication and affection, by the information and attention, with which people regard this community.

The disappointing part has been to see this type of regional patriotism degenerate into a divisive, ownership mentality. “We were here first...” has pervaded the political dialogue and idealogic exchange throughout this campaign. This attitude though, “We were here first...” has in many instances throughout history, been the rhetorical start of major armed conflict. These embers of intolerance are easily fanned into a raging out of control fire.

I’m hoping for something better.

My great grandmother was a Sioux Medicine Woman, and my grandmother (her daughter) was the youngest of thirteen children. I learned many things from my grandmother who grew up on the reservation near Mobridge, South Dakota, during the depression. I learned many things from my grandmother and the stories of her youth. I learned of the importance of thrift, the value of generosity and the vileness of waste. I also learned the importance of forgiving and letting go of past transgressions and dealing with life as it exists each day at a time. If ever there were a reason and a people to stand upon “We were here first..” , it was my grandmother’s community. However, she did not teach me vindictiveness and retribution, she taught practicality and forgiveness and the futility of living in the past. She taught me that a sense of entitlement was not going to get me anywhere.

In Yorba Linda we have (unfortunately like many regions of our country and state!) experienced a difficult, bitter, resentful and angry tone to our campaign season. It saddens me. It saddens me not just for the hurt that it perpetrates to those it is directed toward, but the hurt and division that it has inflicted upon our community. I am also sad for those responsible for this race to the gutter, as I firmly believe that in your effort to deprive others of respect and power, you ultimately give up much of your own (respect and power). It is one of the laws of nature, and people who engage in these kinds of tactics, and employ these dynamics in their own relationships, rarely see it until it is too late. They don’t see how belittling others, makes them smaller, but it does.

Everyone in Yorba Linda feels a strong sense of ownership of their community. It is easy to see, and patently obvious when at each governmental meeting or hearing, each citizen who stands to be heard starts with “I have been a resident of Yorba Linda since....”, but at some point we have to all remember that on this day, at this moment in time, we ALL live here. Right Now. And, tomorrow, we all have one vote, each of us. None more important than the other. None more heavily weighted, and none worth more than one point per vote. Will we vote for our friends, the people who have promised us that they will give us whatever we want in our backyard regardless of the potential cost or impact to the community at large? Or will we vote for individuals of character who will promote the overall health of our government and practically seek out alternatives and compromises that serve the greater good?

It is by protecting the rights of everyone that we each continue to enjoy our own independence. It is by becoming involved and staying informed and voting our conscience that we prevent government from growing into a financial black hole that could swallow us all. On this day, let us all realize that Your Balinda is the same one as Mine, and work toward, and vote for, government that serves the best interests of the whole community and prevent the proliferation of government that serves only a small, select, and vocal few.

I will be voting for candidates with character across the board. They may not agree with me on every minute issue, but I’d rather trust the candidate with character to figure it out and stand for principles rather than promises. Who will you be voting for in Your Balinda?

MEASURE Y: Why indeed?

Jim Drummond, Yorba Linda’s only political columnist, urges a Yes vote on Measure Y even though he acknowledges that the law is flawed. This is consistent with what is a fundamental problem of our government at all levels right now, just because you CAN make new laws doesn’t mean you have to. Drummond’s attitude is the same as John Anderson's, which is, we can just fix it later. Yep, really. We will just get started with something that isn’t right and make it right later. What business runs this way? I certainly could not afford to survive in business if I worked that way. Not to mention, as lawyer, if I proceeded initially in cases in manner that I KNEW would not work, in hopes of “fixing” it later, I wouldn’t win many cases, and I wouldn’t have many happy clients.

Further puzzling is that there is an ethics “ordinance” exactly, word for word, like Measure Y, that was enacted by John Anderson’s majority council in June, yes June of 2010. This “ethics ordinance” says John Anderson, is too easily modified by future councils, so he moved it to a ballot measure. In order to change it, if enacted in this way, would require another vote of the people. Great idea right, create and enact a flawed law, sell it to people on the theory that we will just fix it later, but don’t explain to them how costly and complicated it is to repair it once we have it enacted in it’s flawed state. Super idea, government logic at it’s best.

This need for ethics legislation was born, according to John Anderson, from concerns that he had when he was a traffic commissioner. A City Councilwoman at that time, according to him, inappropriately requested his endorsement during an election, and he felt threatened. This seems to be an issue that should have been dealt with at that time when it occurred, and certainly is part and parcel of having a “whistleblower” policy and procedure. Anderson, as a commissioner would have bee protected and made to feel safe if he blew the whistle on this intimidating Councilwoman. The problem with the proposed Measure Y, is that it does not set forth the “policy and procedure” that would be that whistleblower policy. It leaves it for future council’s to determine and develop. One is left wondering then, if John Anderson’s stated concern related to the necessity of having this duplicative law-creating Measure is to “prevent future council’s from changing it” then why is such an important issue left in this unfinished state? The council members who opposed this measure when presented at the City Council meeting have indicated that more time was needed to perfect the terms of the whole thing. Sure seems that way. The measure specifically states “The City Council shall adopt by a separate ordinance a “whistleblower” procedure”. Then future councils, who are by John Anderson’s definition not to be trusted with this ethics stuff, will have to be relied upon to get this done. Again, super idea, government logic at its best.

The “code of conduct” portion of the measure is also executory and by its own terms incomplete. It states that the city council “shall adopt” a resolution with policies as to how council members should behave toward one another, city staff, and others they may come in contact with in the community. This probably is a good idea, to have a plan, and have it developed by a future council. Can you imagine what a list of do’s and don’t about council behavior would look like if it came from (this) Anderson’s council? It would be something like, "feel free to resort to bickering and name calling whenever you and your buddies on the council feel fully justified in doing so, and when one of your buddies interrupts and is rude to other council who are not your buddies, or starts name-calling and making politically charged comments, feel free to join in, remembering always that you are fully justified in doing so, because you are in the majority." It would probably also have a section related to election time, "When you are running for re-election though, pretend you don't know what your buddies are doing when they send out hate mail against your opponents. Try to convince the voters that you don't support negative campaigns. Just beleive that the voters will probably forget the stuff you said and the way you acted during council meetings". Code of conduct indeed.

The provision on accepting contributions from an interested party after “approving” a permit, was raised as a concern by Councilwoman Horton, who voted against the ordinance when it came before the city council. In that provision, there is nothing related to a party who benefits from the council’s NO vote on a project. This precise situation actually occurred and John Anderson and another council person accepted donations of $1,000.00 from a citizen who benefitted from a NO vote of the council. It took John Anderson about three weeks to think it over before giving the money back. I guess it is hard to think through your moral philosophy when you’re hanging on to a grand in a bad economy and an election year.

There is a portion that provides for audio tape recording of "closed" session city council meetings. In May, the City Attorney, Sonia Carvahlo quit. At that time, John Anderson's majority council voted to begin interviews to hire a new law firm. We could have stayed with the same law firm and replaced just the attorney, say with Assistant City Attorney, Jamie Raymond, who is serving now as the interim, but the majority wanted to interview new firms so that process began. The interviews have been ongoing, and conducted in these types of closed sessions and have been recorded. For some unknown and mysterious reason, no new firm has been hired and the process has now been susended,"tabled" as is the popular action by this majority council. The public can't and won't know what has transpired unless the tapes are released. At the last council meeting a motion was made to release the tapes, Anderson opposed it, his majority followed him in their typical lock-step and the tapes are not to be released. In Anderson's campaign for re-election, he continues to preach the gospel of "transparency". Huh? "Transparency"? Doesn't that mean let the public know and SEE what is going on? Ok, well apparently he only means, transparency, when it suits Anderson and his majority, but not ALL the time. This "transparency" provision of Anderson's "ethics" ordinance, requires a vote of ....guess what, 3 of the council. As long as Anderson controls the council, the public will never see THOSE tapes. Maybe there are some other ones they will want us to see. Transparency, indeed. Another great idea.

The part that I have found most offensive relates to limiting the employees, contractors and labor associations associated with the city from endorsing or contributing to candidates, initiatives or referendums. This is really a political issue and many political groups in the current election, have required an “anti-union” pledge before they will consider endorsing a candidate. The candidate is free to be part of that organization or not, political organizations are not the government and membership is voluntary. John Anderson has attempted to take that political agenda and codify it in our city municipal code with this measure. What they have done though, with the broad sweeping language here, is to limit the ability of people running for office, in office, working for the city or contracting with the city (teachers, firefighter and police) from actively participating, endorsing or contributing to candidates. Why is this necessary? Who exactly is served and protected by this? Certainly incumbent politicians, in the pocket of local special interest groups, but it is hard to see anyone else that is benefitted by this.

City employees, Firefighters, police and teachers, are citizens of our city and entitled to be heard, and to be involved to whatever extent they want to be. The U.S. and California Constitutions protect the rights of these people and all of us, to free speech, to associate with whomever we want, and to participate freely without coercion or intimidation in the election process. This section of the measure is vague and easily could be used to intimidate these individuals into silence and non-participation. It is happening. We are seeing this in the current election already. The measure as drafted, benefits John Anderson, his council and the special interests that support them.

The political undercurrent that has lead to the anti-government employee sentiments has to do with the unfunded pension liability of the state and the state budget crisis. Our job as candidates and councilpersons in Yorba Linda is to represent the citizens, regardless of their job, and these employees did not create the budget crisis in Sacramento. Politicians in Sacramento who can not make good choices and stand on their own two ethical feet, they created this crisis. Penalizing public employees by limiting their free speech rights is not in any way the solution. John Anderson said, at the candidate forum on Tuesday, that one of the most important issues was to stop the “pension bleed”. I found that an interesting comment from a public employee who has the advantage of a pension “double-dip”. I wonder what portion of his two government pensions and benefits he is willing to donate back to help us out with the current budget shortfalls?

Anderson’s most recently recruited lackey, his running mate Tom Lindsey, at the candidate debate on Tuesday, October 12, brought a copy of the U.S. Constitution and waved it around. I found it incredibly offensive, particularly from someone who either does not understand or does not appreciate the investment and sacrifice that has gone into that document becoming what it is today. The First and the Fourteenth Amendments, which rights are negatively affected by this measure, are codifications of rights that we gained after bloody conflicts with many lost lives. The first ten amendments came after the Revolutionary War, and the Civil War in which half-million young Americans gave their lives, yielded us the Thirteenth, Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments. Half a million lives, all of them American were sacrificed in the Civil War, yes the Fourteenth Amendment is something I revere. I did not find Mr. Linsdsey’s actions amusing at all, I value these rights and the sacrifices that were made to obtain them. Fortunately, Mr. Lindsey has the right, pursuant to these documents and the jurisprudence that follows them, to act as foolish and offensive as he likes, and I have the right to not like it and say so.

“How do I vote on Measure Y?”, the simple answer is, it's just not that simple. Who would oppose an “ethics” measure? Well, of course, no one. All reasonable people agree, ethics is something we want and need from our elected officials. Problem is, THIS measure, is not about ethics. Not at all. It is about the same thing that everything else that comes from John Anderson’s council is, monitoring the behavior of other (and future) council members, curtailing the involvement of anyone who is not one of his friends or supporters, and patronizing his own special interest supporters.

I am lifelong Republican. I voted for Ronald Reagan's re-election in my first opportunity to vote in 1984. I voted at the polling place at the Methodist Church on South Ohio and Yorba Linda Blvd. I continue to want to be part of the party of Ronald Reagan and Abraham Lincoln. A party that stands for individual rights and smaller government. This measure violates both of those principles. It grows government regulation and tramples over the constitutional rights of many, and as such I can not support it.

I urge a No vote on Measure Y. Why? Because it is not about ethics.

Don’t be afraid to see what you see. ~Ronald Reagan

Immigration: Reducing an important social issue to a soapbox

A few months back, in my city, three members of the Yorba Linda city council, in the absence of the other two members, saw fit to entertain and grant a motion to issue a “Proclamation” in support of the recent and controversial Arizona immigration law, SB 1070.

The Yorba Linda ‘Proclamation’ states: “Whereas, the state of Arizona, who like the state of California, is in the dire straights of enduring the brunt of most of the illegal crossings of the national border”. Nowhere in the Yorba Linda Proclamation does it cite the nexus or relationship to the Arizona law and events in Arizona to any issue existing in Yorba Linda.

The state of Arizona has in recent years, been plagued with violent crime related to the trafficking of human beings and drugs across its borders. In Phoenix there were 267 kidnappings in 2009 and 299 in 2008. The assaults on U.S. law enforcement on the border increased by 46% in 2008, totalling 1097 incidents.

In March, an Arizona rancher, whose family had owned and operated the ranch since 1907, was murdered on his own property in an area of his ranch that had been known to be used for trafficking of humans and illegal drugs across the U.S./Mexico border. The rancher, Robert Krentz, was found dead in his ATV with the lights on and the motor running. His last words on the radio to his brother were “illegal alien”. The week prior to the death of Robert Krentz, 290 pounds of marijuana were found on his ranch along with eight illegal immigrants who were arrested. It was assumed that Robert’s murder was in retaliation for the arrest the week before. There are no suspects in the murder and it is assumed the suspect escaped back into northern Mexico, not likely to be located or apprehended.

There are no recent events in Yorba Linda that resemble in any way the horrific conditions and situations facing the citizens of Arizona living in close proximity to the Mexico border. The Yorba Linda ‘Proclamation’ does not state any policy or directive, it does not suggest that any action whatsoever be taken by the city of Yorba Linda. It does not set forth any agenda that the city of Yorba Linda will implement to deal with or address illegal immigration. It does not outline any problems, crimes, murders, kidnappings or violence related to illegal immigration occurring in Yorba Linda.

The city of Costa Mesa recently declared itself a “Rule of Law City”. The Costa Mesa council, noting the importance of this issue, set policy directives as well as sending a strong message to illegal immigrants, that they are not welcome in that city and that the laws of the state and federal governments will in fact be enforced in Costa Mesa. In the face of some city governments whom have indicated they will be “sanctuary” cities for illegals, and cities like Los Angeles whom have initiated boycotts of Arizona businesses because of this important issue, it is important to take a stand. The “stand” that the city of Yorba Linda has officially taken however, rings hollow in its lack of real effect or impact.

In a recent candidate’s forum for the ongoing City Council race, one incumbent candidate defended the actions of the three council members who issued the proclamation, claiming that “it got a lot of attention”. Getting attention is the job of a politician. Setting policy and providing leadership, guidance and direction, these are the jobs of elected officials. This blatantly political move was a mere political gesture and an inappropriate usage of city resources for the apparent political gain and agenda of the three council members bringing it forth.

This five paragraph “Proclamation” fell sadly short of actually accomplishing anything at all, except for taking up an entire evening of a televised city council meeting. We should have a city government that is focused on the needs of our city, focused on the issues as they present and exist in our city, and receptive to the views and needs of all of our citizens. That is the kind of city government that I will work toward if elected to the Yorba Linda City Council.

What the citizens of Yorba Linda should be asking is this: What is each of the elected Yorba Linda Council members doing to advance the best interests of Yorba Linda, other than political grandstanding that helps them get their names in the paper in an election year?

The Universal Laws of Sowing and Reaping

I had the distinct pleasure today of hearing Meg Whitman speak at a Town Hall meeting in Anaheim Hills. She is a persuasive and polished candidate, so very impressive and sincere at the same time. She spoke of the success of Ebay and graciously and confidently acknowledged that it is a unique company, she called it a “platform” that succeeded because of the users. She encouraged everyone to similarly, be a "part" of her effort to make California great again.

I share this philosophy of the impact of community efforts and that is why my children have always attended public school. I have always believed that the public school is what we make it. It is our school. I am fortunate to live in a community where most of the parents feel the same way, and due in large part to an active population of parents who care and volunteer and pay attention and cooperate with the administration, the schools in my community, all of them, are the top schools in the nation. I have subscribed to this philosophy and have seen it work. We invest in them and care for them because they are OUR schools, and the schools are great because we as a community are so invested.

A woman at the Meg Whitman town hall meeting reminded us all that we made history when we elected Governor Schwartzenager in the special election and encouraged us to make history again by electing Meg Whitman.

The point is, the government we have, is the government we have earned.

Many of us are unhappy with what we see. If you are one of those people, what are you doing about it?

I have been frustrated with the city government in Yorba Linda for some time now. I see people in elected positions, who have no vision and no direction. I see personalities that conflict, that are petty and vindictive and more concerned about personal retribution against other council members than the best interests of our community. I see councilmembers who can not make a decision, who have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on feasibility studies over the past few years that have lead nowhere. I am frustrated that while the people of Yorba Linda were not paying attention, the needs of our families and businesses have been ignored. The discussions related to the redevelopment and Town Center focus on the aesthetics reflecting our rural and equestrian heritage, but no one has bothered to talk about the 6 massage parlors that are located in the redevelopment area. How does that fit into the “Land of Gracious Living” and why are we not addressing this preponderance of adult businesses while we theoretically remediate blight? Why do aesthetics and aspiring to have a rural "look" get top billing over the safety and wholesomeness of the environment we are providing for our kids?

I could not sit by any longer while our city operated in this fashion. I have jumped into the deep end of this local political pool head first in the hope that we will raise awareness and involve a large segment of our community. I want to see citizens of Yorba Linda involved and getting heard, and elected officials who are responsive to the needs of ALL of the citizens and not just the loud and boisterous few.

We will have the government that we have invested in. Do you want something better? I do. What will you invest?

Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galations 6:7

Volunteers: Making our community great

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
- Erma Brombeck

The unique thing about who we are as Americans is our ability to see a need and meet it. Whether it is meeting our neighbors, at home or abroad, in the time of a crisis, or simply building and sustaining our own communities through our churches, and other civic organizations, donating of one’s time, energy and resources is a uniquely American endeavor. In Yorba Linda, our history illustrates this volunteer spirit that made America great, and shows an impressive and continuing pattern of volunteerism that continues to make our community truly outstanding.

In February 1912, in an area of Southern California now known as Yorba Linda, a small group of dauntless women joined together to form a noble organization still known today as the Yorba Linda Women’s Club.

In the minutes of the November 14, 1912 meeting of the Yorba Linda Women's Club, a motion was made that “Mrs. Nixon being the first one of members to have anticipations of a little one in her home, and wishing to show our regard for her, I move we give a surprise for Mrs. Nixon at the home of Mrs. Trueblood.” Two months later on January 9, Mrs. Nixon did in fact give birth to a son and named him Richard Millhous.

In those early years, the club began their proud history of service to the community by supporting the first library in Yorba Linda. They raised money for the Library building, and through the dedication of its Garden Club members, planted the trees and greenery surrounding the early library. They gave a piano to the first Yorba Linda school and were instrumental in efforts to bring electricity to the community. In 1915, together with the committment of the Chamber of Commerce and the Yorba Linda Water company, the Women’s club orchestrated the planting and care of the first park. The Women’s Club has continued to the present, to be a vital part of the Yorba Linda community contributing substantially to joint efforts with Girl Scouts and many other important charities today including Relay for Life and Fiesta Days in recent years.

The Chamber of Commerce was formed in 1915 largely as an organized group to confront the Janns company on issues of water usage. The Chamber also worked with the Women's Club on bringing electricity to the community and building the first park. The Yorba Orange Growers association was an off-shoot of this early Chamber of Commerce. Today, the Chamber of Commerce is a much more sophisticated organization with marketing opportunities for local business, promoting local business through shop local programs and education and informative legislative activigtes. As we also saw in the crisis that followed the catastrophic fire in 2008, the Chamber proved to be the go-to resource to get “boots on the ground” to coordinate assistance flowing to families in need in times of confusion and catastrophe.

The volunteer fire department was organized in Yorba Linda in 1932. The original fire station building on Lemon Drive was built by citizens of the community and financed from their own pockets. When I was a young girl living in Yorba Linda, and even during the large brush fire that scorched the northern hills in 1979, this volunteer fire department was still the main resource protecting our city. With a horn loud enough to be heard from every corner of town, the volunteer fire fighters were called to action in the event of an emergency.

The volunteer spirit in our community has been present for more than a century. It is a proud and noble tradition in our country that has remained in our community until the present time. This kind of cohesive codependence makes for a prosperous and healthy community.

Geese fly together in a "V" formation. Have you ever wondered why they do this?

The flapping of the wings of each bird creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in "V" formation, the whole flock has a significantly greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own. A goose who falls out of formation will suddenly feel the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone, and will likely fall quickly back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird in front.

When we share a common direction and cooperation we will get where we are going more quickly and easily. If we are at least as wise as the geese, we will stay in formation and will be more efficient and go farther and faster than any of us could go alone.

If you have an opportunity to thank the volunteers in your community who work hard to make it great, you should certainly do so. We all benefit from the work, past and present, of these tireless individuals.